Some times you just have to say 'what the fudge?'

How to begin... Well, in typical Ronan fashion, I'll be completely straight.

Today I witnessed a decapitation.

My friend today showed me a video of a Russian Neo-Nazi decapitation and shooting. This was real. This was in no way, shape or form fake. It was a real video sent in to the Russian media. DO NOT LOOK IT UP! I am not writing this to send some morbid curiosity to you, the reader, to look this video up. I can honestly say I feel worse off as a person after seeing that video. As the bound victim was pushed by his head to the ground her let out a short, sharp, last pathetic muffled scream. The hunting knife was then shoved in to his neck and the horrific act began. It was slow. It was untrained. It was graphic. It was horrific. I would like to remind you people that having your throat cut will not kill you instantly. Not even if you slice an object index finger depth in to a throat will it kill you. It takes time for you to bleed out. It took at least a minute for the man to bleed out whilst the killer continued to slice at his throat. All the while gargled grasps made for background noise. The other was shot in a foot deep grave. The only, I repeat, the only reason why these two were killed was because they were foreign nationals. Some times you just have to say 'WHAT THE FUCK?!'

"Hell, created for Satan and his angels." Maybe so, but there are plenty of people who deserve their rightful place there.

...bored...

Pfff..... Nothing really going on. A bit disappointing, really. Something is usually always going on. Fairly boring last two weeks. Major floods in Gort have stopped me from going to college, not that I'm complaining. So, I've been at home helping out with things. Garden work, cooking, baking, cleaning and the like.

I pray before I go to sleep now. I find it helps fend off the depression of death and all that. If I have questions I just ask Dad. But, I don't really have anyone to 'talk' to, if you get me, about every day stuff that goes on. About a real understanding of this life.

The girls I hang out with now have introduced politics into my group. It is irritating beyond belief. The three of them are nice people, but they just have little bickering matches on a regular basis. Between themselves, fine. But when they drag my friends into it, I view it as dishonorable. And when I'm dragged into it? I view that as betrayal. Halloween night: The six of us were out having a good enough time. Later when things were dying down, Peter and Suzi got in a fight and Peter stormed off. The topic is irrelevant. I spoke to Suzi and asked what was up and she told me. I smirked a little bit. I know Peter and I knew that he'd be fine, nothing to worry about. Suzi said to me "What are you smiling at?" in a very poisonous tone. I didn't reply. Anything I said would just worsen the matter. I just shook my head and was about to turn and leave when she comes right up to me and says "You may not care about him, but Peter's my boyfriend and I do!" And she in turn stormed off. The reason why he left spits at me. This 16yr old girl takes a go at me for not caring when I've been Peters friend for more than 6 years and she hasn't known him for even for 9 months. Fucking pitiful.

This is what I mean. Fucking politics. Guys don't have politics. We get angry, we fight, it's resolved or it's not. That's it. We like you or we don't. ANY man that brings politics into a relationship is a pathetic man and person who brings a bad name to us all. The guy world is black and white when it comes to relationships. That's the way it is for many, many men. That is the way it should be in our world. But, things aren't that simple. Not when you include immature women and girls. I include the word 'immature' for a reason. Don't miss the point. I'd leave them all to fight and kill each other off, but they are entwined in my friends lives and unlike them I am loyal.

Stupid young girls and their pathetic perceptions of loyalty. Loyalty can be a burden, but it is a burden I carry gladly for a select few. Loyalty is not something you can just put down for a while if it gets heavy and pick up again when it's easier. That is betrayal, and I am no betrayer. It is something that can cost us much but in the end we will gain something greater than all we have lost put together and multiplied. I will never tolerate politics in relationships. They only tear them apart.

Take my advice; if you are in a relationship (friend, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc.) that has made politics come in to your life, leave them behind. Burn the bridge, put oil on the water and burn that too so there will be no ties left. Life is hard enough without other people coming in to yours and making you hurt. Whether that is in silence or not. It's a form of bullying, intimidation, control and manipulation. Be strong. Although it may hurt at the time, in the long run you'll be better off.

Shittin' a brick and calling it sugar

I was struck the other day by the memory of love. I felt for a brief moment what it felt like when I would lie down with the one I loved.
I was picking up a notepad I used to write notes to her in. When I picked it up my memory banks opened those doors and everything flooded in and then receded as quick as it came. It was strange. I had completely forgotten what that felt like. As soon as the feeling left I was instantly depressed.

Over the past 7 months I've been single. Others around me are in relationships, good relationships. This is a strange feeling to me. I am alone. In Limerick I am. Sitting alone in a bedsit listening to the radio while I slowly lose the will to live is depressing. I have no job there and that's unlikely to change. I walk around the town from 2 until 6 and I go back and make myself dinner. I play PSP, maybe, and sit in the silence thinking ugly thoughts that only lead to pain and destruction. But there is nothing to make it better. I am not happy. I laugh, I joke, I have fun, I try to make other people happy when they are sad, I show love. But I am hollow. I don't feel the warmth I did when I was younger than I am now. I feel like I have no purpose.

On my first week in Limerick I was very homesick. I cried the first night and the second. I do not see the point in my life at the moment. There is no one to make me feel better when I am sad and depressed. I am not happy. I feel no true joy. I feel cold and distant from the rest. My heart is broken in the generic kind of way. The world is breaking me. Fuck the world. I don't know how long I can hold out. Fuck.

You are who I hate the most.

They make me look bad. Like a fool. Like I'm mad and idiotic and plain crazy. Damn your children, God. Damn those idiots who call themselves Christian.
It's the Arts Festival... I hate the A.F. Too many people in a small 'city'. So in this time of lot o' sinners, obnoxious in-your-face Evangelists go around the town spreading the Good Word (no sarcasm in that last bit). I don't like talking to them. Ever. I just get angry. Very. Case and point: myself and a few of my friends (let's say 5) where sitting in Eyre Square just talking about bollocks. Two old ones come up and start telling us about things we were approached about twice before. "There's no greater thing than accepting Jesus in to your life." Agreed. We're ok so far. "Have you accepted Jesus in to your life, young man?" The male said to one of us. Out of respect not to insult these peoples beliefs my friend said "I'm agnostic." We're still going fine. They then asked us all one by one going around the group. I put my head down. I felt myself getting annoyed. Something was going to go wrong and I knew it was going to happen in the next few seconds. But what would it be? Finally, they asked my friend Emma. She said "Oh, I'm pagan." The couple laughed. BINGO! We have a winner! I went from 'fly in my face' annoyed to 'unforgiving loathing and burning hatred for the human race' annoyed in a split second. In my head I was screaming "What gives you the right?!" Fucking. Idiots.They make me sick. Those who laugh, LAUGH at other peoples beliefs. Because that's what Jesus did, right? These people seem to think so!

After years of not telling anyone I have openly admitted I believe in God and Christianity is the way for me. In my head, that took a big step. Some people laugh, I put them in their place with a quick rant about how I never press it on them and I accept them for who they are so they can accept me or, basically, fuck off. Some people insult, I laugh because I've heard it all before. And a few accept it right off the bat and think no different of me and respect my choice. These people are the jewels of my life. I am in no way a model Christian. By NO means. I battle every day with it. My mind fights my soul and heart. I swear, drink a little more than I should (I don't get drunk because I hate the feeling of it), I say things a shouldn't, I fight, I smoke weed from time to time for the point of getting out-of-my-skull stoned, I do all that stuff. The drink and weed is linked to depression but that is in no way an excuse.
Here is the point I want to make: I am not the best, but those who think they are, are the ones who I see laughing at people outside the bubble. That is not acceptable as a follower of Jesus. That is not related to his message. That is supported by Churches. Every day I see or hear of people who cling to the Old Testament. The message of love is out the damn window! (Ironic how I'm preaching love in a hateful letter) They expect little of me, but the world expects more from them.

Some people are amazed. When stuff like this happens they find it cool or strange that I can list off things about the Bible that contradict what some Christians do. When people go off disrespecting or giving out against Christianity or the idea of religion I go head-to-head with them and fight them with knowledge on why they should respect the idea if they believe it or not. When people ask about stories or fact about the Bible or about religion I can 99 times out of 100 tell them, to the best of my abilities, and the answer would satisfy them. Peter, a good friend of mine, said to me after his Religion Exam "Some of the stuff was really hard! They asked all crap about Bible characters and shit that I had no clue about. I wish I would have had you over my shoulder, Ronan, so you could have told me all the answers!" He told me some of the questions and I answered them. He told me some of his answers to others and said after "Don't go telling me your answers! I don't want to know if I got it wrong because you know too damn much about that stuff that I know I'll be wrong." We laughed through the whole thing. It seems sometimes that I understand more of the Bible and of its teachings than some older than me and more 'experienced' in the Faith. That is disappointing. These people go out and exclaim to the world! But what if what they are saying is wrong? That has a major rebound effect of other Christians. Yet these people are oblivious that they are spreading stereotype after stereotype. I do not force my beliefs on anyone. I try to do what Jesus did: try, to the best of limited abilities, to be a good person that loves people and share when asked about my beliefs or when the time feels right to. Defend my faith with knowledge not violence. Correct those Pharisees that spread false ideas and legalism about Christianity.

The whole thing just pisses me off and I am not afraid to hide it.

Even so...

Although it's almost over, I am steeped in more hatred than ever. 5 weeks left and I'm snapping at everything. I don't feel stressed for the exams, or pushed to study. I don't even really do homework. But I feel the pressure of everyone watching me and forcing me to stay in that HOLE!!! FUCK THEM!! I come home and want to be left alone but every fucking topic is about school! GET. THE. PICTURE. AND. DON'T. ASK. ME. ABOUT. SCHOOL. EVER.

Thoughts.

33... 34... 35. Who knew I was so heavy? Or am I just weak? Push-ups are harder when you haven't done them in a while. But my hatred burns and keeps me going. The voices roar at me and I roar back with my might and sin. All the conversations stampede through my head. There is little laughter in them. But I can roar louder and harder and for longer with a bitter tongue and poison in my teeth. Perhaps I should resign to what I was? Although I was little liked I was happy. I had a taste of those times earlier, but there was no happiness in it. I was bitten by a rag doll so I tore an arm off. If I had my way I would have dismembered it and saved the head for last. And I say I'm just in my barks? But I always apologise first, for every little thing I say "I'm sorry". But when it comes to this I won't back down. If you are so strong then fight me again and take all my might and my sin, take all of me and I will not hold back. The violence will swarm like a tempest and rip through you. You underestimate me... But... for all my yelping I am the true destroyer. But I like the power in it. The power to tear someone down with a sentence. The power to strike fear with a glance. But I hate people like that. Perhaps because they are too much like me and I don't like competition? I am truly malicious and disgusting. But the greatest threat to me says nothing because he is like me and he knows if he turns on me I will reveal everything. All secrets and weaknesses. But I will never do that, or so I say. Do I have more honour than that? Do I have enough respect for her to not do that to her if she lashes out again? Am I that spiteful? Am I that... evil?
But these are all just thoughts. If we said everything we thought everything would fall to pieces in seconds.
But I won't reveal a thing. My friend and I have reached stale mate. Pride and selfishness are the roots and routes of all sin. Love is the root and route of all good. But will love prevail today? The Morning Star fell because of pride and selfishness. I wonder will he win this battle? I want to fight. I want to kill. But will that all take a back seat to what is needed? What IS needed?
38... 39... 40... My hatred has burned out. But if this happens again, I will give up and break for the west sooner than is planned. Hopefully that will never come to pass. A friend is a friend, after all. But I am no betrayer. I am a brutal fucker who spits venom when provoked and beats ants in to the ground. I am a lier to those I care little about. I say the most horrible things to win.

But I am no betrayer.

I will burn those pages that where wraped in delusions so that none may remember them. A bamboo book seeped in stupidity and haste. I don't want to fight you again... I don't know what will happen and I don't trust myself. I am too stubborn for any sort of good to come from me. If you want to take this chance to go then go. I will not hate you, I will understand.
Think hard. Whether spirits guide you or not, think hard. The bleeding lamb is in your territory now. Kill it or mend it. Your choice. Either way... I'm sorry. For what? For being who I am, whatever that is.

Tonight

How many times do I have to scream until I'm heard?
How many times do I have to cry until the tears come?
How many times do I have to run before I can move?
How many times do I have to breath before I'm alive?

I don't feel life gracing me as I see it grace others.
I'm scared.
My phone vibrates and my heart races.
It runs for a hiding place I don't have.
We are all weak. We are all strong.
Decoding humanity is something that should be left alone.
The facts are there but the truth is always missed.
Venom has the ability to kill. Words have the ability to destroy.
Annihilation is my specialty. But I'm losing my touch. Good? Bad?
I'm too tired to think so I'll just sing instead.

How many times do I have to swim before I can float?
How many times do I have to climb before my hands touch the mountain?
How many times do I have to sprint until I can crawl?
How many times do I have to fall until I can fly?

Today.

Wars depicted in paintings I scribble in my sleep.
Prophecy foretells what will aways be.
Corruption had already taken hold.
The decay is crumbling off.
Humans lick their wounds.
The poison is too deep to suck out.
Monopolies rule but the foundations quiver.
Drug squads raid playschools.
Students shoot the system but only bruise the town.
Life died alone.

FUCK YOU!!!

I'm sick of all your shit. Your mellow dramatic SHIT! Deal with your problems, you shitfuck. You look to everyone else to come up with some sort of answer when no one fucking cares! I want to beat some sense in to you but it wouldn't work, you'd just get pissy and even MORE dramatic. Because the world needs more of that.

Idiot.

Take a look at yourself! Take a good, fucking look in the mirror and see if you can stop yourself from smashing your face in to it before I get there to do it for you. I've had enough. I've taken your shit. The same shit you called sugar. You dump all your shit on other people and have the fucking nerve to call me a dick, to call ME immature. You're the failure, not me. You run around like a fucking ant, too busy to realise your too insignificant to be noticed. You're not a speck, you're less than a speck. You're part of the fucking mass and the mindless congregation of the great religion of Earth. I'm not apart of you. I don't even like you. Who could like you? Who could love you? Can't answer it, can you? That's because no one can. No one. And no one ever will.

I'd fucking kill you but that's too good a death for something like you. A thing less than existence. An object already drowning in oblivion. No one will remember you. No one even knows you. You're not even a ghost. No one pities you. You're ignored. You always will be. An unmarked grave awaits the end of your pathetic life. The perfect end to a thing too insignificant to have a name. And you make such a fuss every day as if people want something to do with you. You're deluded. Go shrivel up and die. You're the fucking problem you empty, dry husk of a speck to a speck.

And no one.

Fucking.

Loves you.

Mind vomit

I am afraid. Afraid to lose my mystery. Something is uninteresting if you know everything about it. My transparency and honesty is good but then if I show everything what else is there to see? You've figured me out and then you move on. Have I let everything spill out and what you see on the floor is me, my personality? But I don't think so. I do not know everything about myself so how can you? Many of my actions make little sense to me. My knowledge and intellect take a back seat to instinct and passion. Even if I know it is bad or something is going to happen I will probably do it anyway. My so called wisdom is useless. Maybe it's because I'm young and that is the way of the young? I don't know. But I don't want people to become disinterested in me because if they do they'll just move on. Read another 'book', forget another life.

End for good.

I want to destroy It but because of my need for justice I will not destroy It until I have a good enough reason. It has happened many times in the past but I will wait until Its rears its head before decapitating It for good. I can not be unthinking. I must do this. It must end. I have thought of others enough, now it is time for me to be happy once more. I was happy for a brief moment when It had partially ended and I want that back. I can not continue in this way. I am being hurt at an exponential rate and it is because of It. I want freedom, even if it is only in one aspect of my life.


Enough waiting. It is time to act.

Facade

Laugh. Not at a joke or a quip, but to hide the cut. If I'm assaulted I laugh. Show it doesn't hurt and maybe they'll think I'm stronger or they'll stop. Pretend as though I've heard better or that I'm not phased. I even ask for more and of greater strength. I sometimes give advice. But when it's someone close, those assaults can cut in deep. Maybe I deserve it. I'm usually wrong when it comes to relationships anyway, no matter the kind.

But who cares, right? I'm strong, right? I'm hard, right? I'm a real man, right? I'm happy, right? ... Right?..

Running conflict

Here we go again. The conflict that arises every now and then is, you guessed it, back. What is my conflict? I'll never tell. Not unless you ask real nice. And even then I'll hesitate.

Fork in the Road

I walk a road that has high walls of fickle roses.
A path that widens only to thin up ahead.
Never consistent,
With smooth slabs one time
And rocky trails the next.
Every now and then a golden path will lead away
To join with another road.
There I see no high walls,
No threatening thorns.
Like lying on a lush moor in midsummer with a lover
It is easy and filled with green grasses.
It is calm and bathed with sun.
Every now and then I'll wrestle with myself
If I should take the path.
But the road I walk is needy.
And the road I walk is strong.
Or is it just my weakness that keeps me in these walls?
I trudge along
A long road winding.
I sing to lessen reality
As I know this road is wrong.

--------------------------------

What I want is something new that's something old that's something gold that needs renewed.

--------------------------------

I'm suffering for this lack of sleep, but insomnia won't go away. Penance, perhaps? But, what did I do wrong again? I predict that it is for something I will do rather than what I have done. My own conscience attacking me to get it over with and do the deed already. But it's hard. I had it, you know. It was done. But second chances don't seem to have a limit. I just keep giving them. After cheating, slander, blame, hate, arguing, drunken lies, cheating, silence, I just keep giving them. My acts of forgiveness have over shadowed the need for fair justice. And it is I who suffers. But I do not kill this beast because I will feel bad and empathetic in it's suffering. In my domestication I have become soft...

Night or day, I'm still damned.

Are you happy now? Are you really? Of course you're not, why would you be? You're not you. You're not free. Free. Freedom. That's all you think about. Looking to the future when the present falls to shit. Your freedom is just an excuse, isn't it? Is it? But let's change the subject matter. A broken record is boring to listen to and your public awaits! Baying hounds. Crash. Crash your life just to see the wreckage. Just to see what it would be like. Fall to drugs and the women you dream about and the ones who are real. They hurt more. But why bother? You're going to die alone, aren't you? Are you? Be born alone, live with mannequins, die alone. What's so great about this, anyway? But you're alive right? Wrong. You're dead. Inside, I mean. Hard to smile every day when you're crying at home, or inside. Your only escape is music and you're not even that good. More of a torture, really. Really? You know what kills you. You're not an addictive personality. Not with drugs, drink, TV, power, fags, nothing. Well... Except women. But I'm right. Right? It's your blessing but it is most definitely your curse. They're all beautiful, wonderful, magnificent creatures. They are not appreciated enough. They are abused too much. Ignored. Slandered. Degraded. Everything. Make them all happy. Make them all smile. Who cares if they like you, as long as they like themselves? But you do. You care. Too much. Some more than others. Some you shouldn't and do. Some you should and don't. It's hard to be content when you're empty. It's hard to feel alive when you're dead. But it's their smiles... Gets you every time. Some more than others. Some that shouldn't and do. Some that should and don't. A few you think you've loved. You say you won't again. It's hard to say that lie. You're not a lire because it hurts when you do. But you do. It's hard to sleep when you're doomed. The sun brings day and day brings death. It'll be nice to die when you do. Maybe you'll meet God? Sometimes you like to pray:

'I pray to thee that in my sleep I will not dream, I will not speak but grant to me Eternal Peace and end my life to set me free.'

There it is. Freedom...

Are you happy? Are you really?

"No. And I haven't been for a very long time..."

Retrospect

What a curse that is... In the past you make a mistake and more often than not it will come after you. One large mistake that I regret was abandoning a friend for a girl... Not only abandoning but successfully destroying the friendship for a bit over a year. I am still feeling the poison that my own fangs caused. But I am trying to right my wrong. Every day I try. Some times I fail and move back a step, others I stay in one place and sometimes I move forward leaving my stubborn traits behind. I hope only to one day mend and never to rend in such a way again...

Tricks

I've been having these dreams lately with a reoccurring person in them. They are always in my dreams now. In different ways, but they are always there and always they are a main character. The dream content is, for now, irrelevant. The point is they are always there...

Perspective

Every star we see is within our own galaxy. Even so we only see a small fraction of it. There are many solar systems within our galaxy. Beyond our galaxy are billions more galaxies. Suns and stars far greater than our own. Nebulae light years long. Life is all around us and further than we will ever reach.

The oldest human recorded in modern times was 122 years old. The average life expectancy of a human can range from 29 - 85 depending on where you live. Methuselah, in the Hebrew Bible, lived to 969 years old, the oldest person to be found anywhere.

A star that is the size of our own sun is estimated to live 14 million years including the development (birth) and red giant then white dwarf stages of its life.

Puts human life and time in to perspective.