God Damn.

Tonight, the last night of this decade, was a complete waste of time. What an apt sum of these last ten years, this year and what a horrible omen for the next.

I attended a shit house party with a full lot of pathetic individuals getting drunk, all of which were younger. I then decided to park in town and wander about the usual haunts and see if I might know anyone. First, I went to Sally Longs to meet Shane, he was working. Unfortunately, he was busy talking to people I didn't know, not knowing anyone else there, so I left after a very brief minute or two. Then, I walked through town to The Roisin Dubh to see if I might find anyone there. I didn't. So, I took a different route back up the town, past a few bars, to see if I might bump in to anyone I may know. I didn't. Although, there were many people out celebrating the new year. Finally, I got in my car and drove home.

So here I am at home, alone, distressed, upset and, if I were to be honest, a little depressed. Why am I telling you, unknown reader all of this? The reason why anyone would, I am no different. By writing this I feel as though I am talking to someone and sharing my thoughts even though there is no one actually there. Not in the immediate, anyway.
So, thank you for reading this and sharing in my life even though no one did tonight.

Since it would feel wholly fake to say the traditional farewell I will say this:

I hope you survive this coming year.

With time, so life moves forward.

Hello again and welcome to another addition of 'Soul Searching Loneliness'. But that is the way, is it not? It is in my life. Not in an 'out for attention' kind of way, it's just how shit has played out.

I leave in a week. To Limerick I will travel and I will stay there for a year learning to making instruments and living life working a job, playing guitar, and maybe I'll have a girlfriend? But let's not get too optimistic. I leave on my birthday, the 14th. I'll be living in a bedsit. Bed, table, three chairs, wardrobe, sink, fridge, hot plate, window. Anything else, I bring with me. I'm excited, to be honest. This is what I want to do. But who thought I would be the first in my group of close friends to leave Galway? This is now my life. I rarely considered being in school my life let alone living itself. Now I'm out and I'm going forth to a new day, as it were. I hope I get a job soon when I'm down there. It'll make things much easier and it will complete the life I want in Limerick. Out on my own, working, learning my trade, living. The girlfriend thing is just a bonus but not a must, just a hope, really.

I will be 19. A thought hit me the other day; when I'm 20 I will be able to say "I was born 20 years ago." Wow. That's messed up. 20 years. That's two decades. That's around a quarter of my life. That's messed up. And most of it, 14 years, has been under oppression. Most I can't remember or have blocked out because of pain. That's messed up. For what I can remember is time mostly in my own head. My past thoughts or theories. So now let me hope that the future will be remembered and loved.

God before me to lead me.
God beside me to tell me.
God behind me to protect me.
God inside me to love me.
Awake.

Think, think, think...

Things are going ok at the moment. No real ups or downs, just a bit of fun here and there and being with friends when I can. Still missing two factors; a real sense of my religion and a relationship. Two fairly big things in a persons life. One is a question of eternity and mortality and the universe. The other is a sting that lingers with time moving on and on without me. All this time I am wasting when I could be with someone having a great time with them. Let's tackle the latter! Again......

This IS an important thing to me and I do consider it something that I, not need but yearn for. To hold, have, kiss, lie with, talk to and many other things. This is not just on a sexual level or anything as shallow as that, it's on an emotional level and a mental level. I don't want to play like a skipping record so I'll leave it at this; The fact is I'm depressed, alone (emotionally) and in need of contact, someone to love.

That's all I wanted to say.

Later.

"I am heading for the mountain. There I will meet God."

This life is my journey. When I reach my destination and I have no where further to climb I know that is when I will die. And with hope and determination I will meet God when I reach the mountain peek and I pray he carries me to heaven to wait for the second Earth. I climb with no one at my side but I am not alone. I can still see the scree at the bottom and the clouds cover the summit so I know I have much to traverse and even more beasts to over come. Their corpses litter my path and their caves trapdoor the winding road. I am the first to climb this path yet there is trail to follow with many routes breaking off. I am left wondering who made these trails and if it is God helping me to find the summit not with greater ease but with a richer trek in store. I will reach this peek and I will roar and howl to the others "I am Wolfskin. I am Wolfskin."

I am Wolfskin.

Lonely Wolfskin, where are you going?

For the past 6 years I have, for the most part, been with some one or another. Whether it was a short fling, an emotion relationship or a full fledged over-a-year 'going out'. Now that I'm not with anyone I feel... alone. That's the best way to put it. With now being out of school and seeing my whole life ahead of me, not being with anyone and not being able to sleep too often I have to say I'm a tad scared... It's not haunting or paralyzing, but it is a fear. A fear of the unknown? Maybe. I suppose the added bonus of not being with anyone is that I have no female presence I respect enough to confide in. Some one who cares enough to listen. Not that I have no male friends to do so with but I have no female presence. The difference, I have found, is profound. I am 'a true romantic', as a friend once told me and having a girlfriend I can confide in is important to me both mentally and emotionally. I can honestly say I have been happiest when I was with someone. It validates me, in a way. It says to me that I am good enough to be, dare I say, cared for and even perhaps loved? I don't think I've felt 'love'. I mean by that the kind of love that two people truly feel for each other. I think that's best. Better not to know and find out that 'have loved and lost', eh? I know, of course, the unconditional love from my mother. My father? I'm not so sure. I don't doubt it's there, but have I felt it?... Anyway.
I find myself missed part flings and girlfriends. Not because I want them back like a desperate fool, but just because I was with someone. And even though we are broken up for a reason, we did have good times. Kinda with I had someone again. Oh, yeah. That Eileen thing (the girl I mentioned a few blogs back). We ended up going out, after a month of an unofficial relationship, for about 2-3 weeks but, as you can guess, we're no longer. No hard feelings or anything, which is good. Flat out honestly and the point of this blog? Right so. Open up the chest and show the heart of this lamb dressed in wolfskin: I just want someone to love and hope that they will love me too. Poke fun and call me whatever you want but you all want it too, I just have the balls to say it. I'll never give up on that. I know little but I see much and and something that I have seen and learned is that there is indeed someone for everyone. No matter who. Someone that will stay with you through thick and thin. I'm not thick. If you don't treat that person right you will lose them. If you yourself are too blind and selfish to see past your own shit and be a loving person you will lose them. I'm am well aware of that. I dunno. I just want to meet them. Would be nice. Or even a nice girl to share a bit of my life with as I have with a few. I don't see those relationships as worthless because that is insulting towards them and you. I chose to spend my life with people who are careful, but not too carefully, chosen. If your standards are too high you'll get no one. You're only wasting time and I'm done wasting time. Want to find someone. Soon, hopefully. But this is not the kind of thing to be impatient about. So I suppose I'll just search and wait.

Death... again...

By now you all know (those of you who read this) I'm terrified of death. My own death, obviously. It's progressively getting worse... Not good. I'm getting sick of this. Every now and then a voice will just say "You're going to die. You're not going to exist. And it happens every night. Every. Night. Even writing this makes my heart race and fill with fear. I'm scared... Very scared. I tried reading texts to help combat this but it just made it worse! Again, right now, my heart is racing, my chest is tight, my leg is tapping with anxiety and my breath is stuttered. What the hell? And it's not that I'm really afraid of not existing, because eternity ALSO scares me! What will I be doing if I get to Heaven, if it exists? BUT! Thinking about dying tomorrow doesn't scare me that much. It scares me FAR less than when I'm old and eternity. Not that being old itself scares me. Maybe it's the thought that it's so long away? Even if I'm 'reborn' or some crap like that, I don't like that either because it won't be my consciousness, it'll be someone else. Even if it's my soul it's someone elses mind and our minds are our consciousness and consciousness is what makes us who we are. I have long believed that thought is the defining factor. My thought is betraying me. It may sound immature or childish or small or stupid, but I don't want to die. In all honesty, I have to hold back some tears, even though I'm just typing this. I don't want to die. Life is wonderful and beautiful. The mountains and seas and the forests and animals and skies of all the different planets in this universe and maybe other universes, too. Why, then, if I love life am I focused on death? In the articles it mentioned about depression. I suppose I am depressed. I don't know what about? I have one more test and I'm out of school forever, I have a beautiful and fun girlfriend, I'm going to start a band with a friend that I've been looking forward to doing for a few months, it's summer, I'm an adult, I'm getting better at guitar, I have good friends, I'm alive, what do I have to be depressed about? What the fuck is wrong with me?! Why can't I just be happy for once? What is this accomplishing? I am a man of the present. Not the past or the future. I firmly believe that we should learn from the past, plan for the future but stay in today and not dwell on the past or jump to the future. Why, then, is my mind constantly in the future?! It's pissing me off. My thoughts betray my beliefs. It's horrifying. It really is. I'm depressed but I'm hardly going to commit suicide, am I? First of all, I am against suicide straight out. It's selfish and spits in the face of life. Secondly, I'm quite obviously, in case you haven't noticed, scared shit less of it! Even thinking two years in the future scares me. I mean, you don't know what's going to happen. What will it be like? And then I think "Well I'm just two years closer to death." Sweet..... Positive thoughts, eh?.. I feel old.. Don't fucking start! "You're not old." I KNOW I'M NOT! I feel old. Worn and torn, beat up and discarded, chewed up and shat out. Lovely. I don't feel my age. I feel much, much older. But I don't have the life behind me. My Granny is 66, she has the life behind her and she seems young. I'm 18, feel old and don't have the life behind me. It never goes away. I used to get it every now and then. It first started when I was just a little boy, seriously. It's my earliest memory. I was in a cot or something like it and Nuala was asleep. It must have been in the middle of the day because the curtains were closed but it was bright outside. I can tell because the colour of the curtains lit the room the same colour. I remember having the same feeling I have now and it scaring me. I cried, said I didn't want to die, tossed for a while then nothing. Must have fallen asleep. Then every 2 years or so from 8 or 9 onwards it would attack me for a week or two then I would be fine. This has lasted since January. It wasn't too bad then, it's terrifying now. How do you dispel a fear that has been life long? I don't know if I can. I really don't... I'm sick of this. Absolutely sick of this shit. Me, afraid? I fear very little. Not be blowing some tuff guy horn, just not a lot of things do scare me. But typical Ronan, the things that I'm not scared of don't affect me in any way, the things that do terrify me in to a lack of sleep and mental health problems like short bursts of extreme anxiety and tormented reasoning. That's all I can think of right now...

Woman. Dancer. Poet. Daughter. Sister. Human. Friend? Emma.

You there. Yes, you. Woman, dancer, poet, daughter, sister, human. Friend?.. Maybe still. Come. Sit. Read. Does the past assume we will continue in future? Or does the present dictate that we are what we are? What are we? In the end, that is. Finite, I suppose. But what does the present say we are. Not what we were or who we will or might be, but who we are. Children, still. In that I don't suppose a thing. I know.
Woman: You are beautiful. I saw you today for the first time in a while. I got a good look. You look well. You look healthy. Do not confuse my words. Do not search deeper for something that isn't there. And do not reject them. Accept with grace. You are strong, though you profess weakness. I know you are, though I may not really know you. I see confidence in you. Let it shine brighter than you do.
Dancer: I've never seen you dance, but I've heard you're good. You look fit. It makes you happy, it keeps your mind, body and will strong. It gives you something to live for. Something you can feel. Keep it. Ignore what they say, if it makes you happy keep doing it. Even if you don't get where you want to, keep doing it and you'll find a way to, though the where may change.
Poet: Inside you there is a rhyme that always flows in 'free verse'. Sometimes the lines will sound the same but the meaning is more important. Your thoughts. Your last was joyful. Although I didn't show it, that made me smile. I was happy for you. Like the man on the white horse with a sash of blood, hades follows you. The fact that you were happy and it managed to get to paper showed it lasted. I hope this lasts for a long time. You deserve it.
Daughter: With this I don't know, but I feel as though I should mention it. You are not your father OR your mother. Whatever they say or do or don't say or don't do can only affect you so much. Don't let it get deeper. You are strong. You are strong. You are strong. I know you are.
Sister: We all have our things that make us different. In some you share with those you where born with. You may look at them, those siblings, and say they are better. Yes, they are at some but not at all. They are not better at what makes you you. And they never will be. Do not compare yourself. Do not fall in to the trap of self pity. You won't win. Ever. Whether it is demons or voices or illness, it will beat you down if you ask those questions. Why compare yourself to them when we love you for who you are?
Human: Within these billions we know you. Our sins cripple us but our life defines us. You are one in countless. You are part of something great and still individual. The human is no number. The human has a face, a name, a life, a love. You're not alone, as long as you remember to reach out.
Friend...: You know, I remember when you called me. When I cut myself off for my own reasons. Not just from you, from them all. I was surprised to hear your voice, but it was welcome. That meant a lot to me. It was the first time in a long while we had just talked alone together. I think that's what's missing. From my life in general. One-to-one time. All the times we've asked for the other to check out a rant or a poem. The times we've texted each other just to say 'hi' or to discuss. There have been shit times. Times of immaturity and idiocy and foolishness and shortsightedness. But will we let those times rule our relationship? Will we let death win rather than live life? Will we let the bad times over rule the good? How does that portray us if we do? Do we believe in life or death? The good or the bad in a person? Friendship or animosity? I say all these things to you as an observer, a man, a musician, a poet, a son, a brother, a human. A friend?.. Maybe still.


Ronan.

Women

No, it's not a rant about how women are the devil. Quite the opposite! It's about how I love the ladies! That sounds creepy. It's more about how I appreciate the women.

Played a gig last night and met this cool chick, good looking too! Also met some other cool girls there. I think in today's society of exploiting women, men and women alike can get caught up in that mind set. Men look at women as objects and women look at themselves and others as worthless. And to be honest, women are more affected by self-esteem issues than men are and they don't need extra shit loaded on to their shoulders. Eating disorders are more common in women, depression is more common, and the pressure to look a certain way is unreal. I really do feel for all those women out there who have to deal with that shit. Every day it's forced down our throats and we all choke on it eventually. Women are beautiful! They're great! To relate to the start of this, the girl I met is a normal girl who (even though I just met her yesterday) is a laugh. She's pretty, she's not an anorexic model and is comfortable with how she looks. I look up to women like that. That quality in itself is attractive. What the media finds attractive changes and so the trends, diets and 'fads of fashion' will also change. Women forget that they are beautiful.
Example; A guy can look at a normal woman and say she is attractive. A woman can look at the same woman and say she is attractive with no sexual meaning behind it. However, a man and a woman can not look at a normal guy and both say he is attractive.
The thing the media has gotten right is that women are far more attractive than men, however they exploit that fact for profit which is disgusting. I find it disappointing when I see young girls with make-up lathered on. I find it even more disappointing when older women do the same thing! The mentality that the more you have on the better you look goes back thousands of years. So it is true this is nothing new but isn't that a bad thing? It's just gotten worse.
The song by Ernie K. Doe 'Here Come The Girls' is the theme for this blog. Perhaps the Sugababes cover can edge it's way in. If every women took that songs confidence we would be on a way to a better world.
I read something on a fridge magnet that struck me. A great place for profound sayings but here we go. "There are no ugly women, just lazy ones." Take away the little bit of venom in that and let's start there. It's true in my mind, there are no ugly women. That doesn't mean I want to ride every living woman, that's taking this the wrong way. Every woman, EVERY WOMAN has the potential to look beautiful. Many don't even know they can or that they do look beautiful. I'm using the word 'beautiful' a lot so you get the point! I could never be gay because I just love the ladies too much! And we haven't even crossed the border of personalities.
There is NOTHING more attractive than a confident woman, to me anyway. I'm sure this can count more than me, though. A confident woman will make herself look good because she wants to, not because she's told to. And you better believe she will look good! A confident woman is a happy woman and if she is happy there will be something about her that will make her look radiant. And I'm not talking about over confidence or a showy in-your-face attitude, I'm talking about a woman who doesn't care what you think, she's going out on a Friday night! And when I mean every woman, I mean EVERY WOMAN! I'm not a shallow asshole. Big, thin, short, tall, women of all nations. Beautiful. The sting in the tail is that people are so focused on looks and quick flings that women get damaged. They don't believe what they are and they deny and bury it.

I'm a sucker for them. On an emotional and physical level. But I wouldn't have it any other way. (And I kinda hope I get to know that girl better!)

If any women read this then get the message! YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL. End of story. If any men read this then get the message! Appreciate the women!

The Fear is what keeps us here.

I suppose I'm still afraid. Even though I try not to be. I mean, really, who WANTS to be afraid? It's just hard to say you are living when there is nothing in your life that justifies that statement. I'm not doing anything. For some I think school is not just something that is a constant source of pressure, it also takes away life. There is just routine and you are punished if you walk away from that. Looking around, there is so much fear in the world. So much. It saddens me. A lot. There is a quiet acceptance of it all. "That's life", right? I know many people who believe in God. Very little of them are truly afraid. My Grandfather died 6 years ago of cancer. He was bed ridden for that last few weeks of his life. Although near the end he could no longer sing or clap along to the hymns his brothers played for him in his room, he still tapped his foot to the beat. It didn't seem as though he was afraid. I don't think he was.
Fear is paralysing. It hurts and dulls at the same time. A double edged sword that cuts through our minds and our hearts. I can not look at my life and say that I've done something, because I haven't. But, I'm only young, right? I suppose that is a blessing. I am thinking of these things and I'm only just an adult. Perhaps I will find the meaning I am searching for? I am seeking guidance in this. My two mentors are far away. I don't 'look up' to anyone else. So I'm stranded, at least for now. I have a Rock to stand on (Isaiah ch.26 v.4) but I'm not sure how long I can hold my footing if I'm not told how to.

I don't want to be afraid.

Prayer.

I love late night radio. Just chill music. Brilliant.


You said to me that I will find someone one day who will "complete the tears in my heart." I pray that I will only meet her when I am fully ready. I pray to God that he will watch over me in my days and more so in my nights. I pray with my music and I say silent prayers in my head. I am, once again, alone in my stance, right now. But, I pray I will meet you and them soon. Even though my mouth says sometimes I don't believe, I do. I always have. And I always will. Knowing what I know, how can I not? But right now I am progressing slowly by my self and I would like some company. The kind of company you can sit by a lake with and sit in silence for a few minutes with no words between you both. I knew it was you. I know your walk, even if I only hear it. It was picturesque; the moon was high and reflected off the lake water with a few clouds drifting in and out of the steel light. It was cool but not cold. We hugged and I didn't feel weird after our talk. I don't remember how long we talked for. It was the last time you stayed before you returned to your home. I still have the letter you gave me and the crucifix is still tied to my bed post; a gift when you left. I miss you all so much. When the three or two, I forget, went to stay with you for a while, I was jealous of them. All the things you did together. Even just staying with you for a while would have suited me fine. The CD of Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds you gave me because you didn't like it, I still have that, too. When I hear the songs I am reminded of those times in Roscommon. The tent in the attic.
But I just want you to know I remember those times and I miss them. You're a bastard because you spoiled me with good company and then left, but you know I love you Jon. I pray for you.

Who am I?/ Shiver

Who will I be? All through humanity there have been a few we have noticed and billions we have not. Not because of malice but just because they are the cogs of this clock and not the hands. We can quote those who are famous or well known and many of us will, if not know the quote, know the one who is being quoted. Philosophers, leaders, generals, composers, kings, queens, scientists and astronauts. These people stood out for one reason or another and we can look back and see their lives and admire them. We can say that their lives where worth living and that the world would be less of a world with out them.
But who am I? Ronan Kenny from Ireland. A bit bland... I suppose everyone wants to be famous. But I don't want fame. I guess the question I'm really asking is "Will I be remembered?" Life is short, unfortunately, and we are all blips. But some blips give an echo or a resonance and last that little bit longer even though the source is gone. Seemingly ordinary people go on to be remembered for years to come. For the right or wrong reasons. I don't know if I'll be remembered and I won't know because I'll be dead by then. But if all it is is a lie then lie to me and tell me I'll be remembered. Comfort me in that way and at least I'll know you cared enough to give me a happy thought before I go.

I... I sat alone in a room today for a little while. Just stared out side and thought. As I sat I felt what I've been feeling for a long time now; there is a barrier around me and it's empty. It's like I want to be held. And I do. But I don't know by who. I hug my Mum and tell her I love her and see says she loves me too. I was going out with some one but their hugs didn't feel like hugs. I feel vulnerable. When I go through my day I feel like a little child. Sometimes I pass a window and see someone at the other side who looks older and then I realise it's me. I forget what I look like. I forget I'm 18 and have a beard and angry eyes that I probably glare at everyone with without even knowing it. My muscles ached today so I had a hot bath. A very hot bath. I still felt a little bit cold. But I know it's not my body telling me I'm cold. On Paddy's Day I was at The Spanish Arch and there was at least a thousand people there all crammed in. I was with plenty of people I knew and I laughed a lot. I still felt a little bit alone. I feel nervous like everyone is watching and expecting. But I don't know what they are expecting. Failure? Spontaneity? A joke? Some wise saying? A funny rant? I don't know. My friends are changing and I don't know how to be any more. Being me, or what they see of me, is not enough for some any more. I see and feel them getting bored or sick of me like I'm the ones who is changing. I'm not saying change is bad, I'm saying I just don't know what to do any more. That little emptiness that's inside me is growing with an incline. As the end of my school era comes closer, I'm left thinking what I should be doing. Hopefully I'll be getting in to an instrument making (Luthier is the correct name) course in Limerick that will last from Sept 09 - May 2010. But where would I go from there? Perhaps use that year as a stepping stone and move to London to do a more in depth course there? Open up my own work shop and make a living making and reparing instruments? Who knows? It may just be next year and that's it. Maybe I'll end up moving to America? I feel it calling me, in a sence. Like I'm ment to go over there for some reason I don't yet know of. Perhaps I'll pray tonight and see if God tells me anything. I've never asked this before, but, if you read this will you pray for me? At least if I can't know I'd like someone watching over me as I pass through these next 2 years. And if you get a responce, tell me about it. Even if it seems trivial, it won't to me.

Thoughts.

33... 34... 35. Who knew I was so heavy? Or am I just weak? Push-ups are harder when you haven't done them in a while. But my hatred burns and keeps me going. The voices roar at me and I roar back with my might and sin. All the conversations stampede through my head. There is little laughter in them. But I can roar louder and harder and for longer with a bitter tongue and poison in my teeth. Perhaps I should resign to what I was? Although I was little liked I was happy. I had a taste of those times earlier, but there was no happiness in it. I was bitten by a rag doll so I tore an arm off. If I had my way I would have dismembered it and saved the head for last. And I say I'm just in my barks? But I always apologise first, for every little thing I say "I'm sorry". But when it comes to this I won't back down. If you are so strong then fight me again and take all my might and my sin, take all of me and I will not hold back. The violence will swarm like a tempest and rip through you. You underestimate me... But... for all my yelping I am the true destroyer. But I like the power in it. The power to tear someone down with a sentence. The power to strike fear with a glance. But I hate people like that. Perhaps because they are too much like me and I don't like competition? I am truly malicious and disgusting. But the greatest threat to me says nothing because he is like me and he knows if he turns on me I will reveal everything. All secrets and weaknesses. But I will never do that, or so I say. Do I have more honour than that? Do I have enough respect for her to not do that to her if she lashes out again? Am I that spiteful? Am I that... evil?
But these are all just thoughts. If we said everything we thought everything would fall to pieces in seconds.
But I won't reveal a thing. My friend and I have reached stale mate. Pride and selfishness are the roots and routes of all sin. Love is the root and route of all good. But will love prevail today? The Morning Star fell because of pride and selfishness. I wonder will he win this battle? I want to fight. I want to kill. But will that all take a back seat to what is needed? What IS needed?
38... 39... 40... My hatred has burned out. But if this happens again, I will give up and break for the west sooner than is planned. Hopefully that will never come to pass. A friend is a friend, after all. But I am no betrayer. I am a brutal fucker who spits venom when provoked and beats ants in to the ground. I am a lier to those I care little about. I say the most horrible things to win.

But I am no betrayer.

I will burn those pages that where wraped in delusions so that none may remember them. A bamboo book seeped in stupidity and haste. I don't want to fight you again... I don't know what will happen and I don't trust myself. I am too stubborn for any sort of good to come from me. If you want to take this chance to go then go. I will not hate you, I will understand.
Think hard. Whether spirits guide you or not, think hard. The bleeding lamb is in your territory now. Kill it or mend it. Your choice. Either way... I'm sorry. For what? For being who I am, whatever that is.

To the Yellow Bull.

You and I, Yellow Bull, are filled with rage but you keep yours under better stay than I. Ironic. With a misplaced whisper my anger bounds out and snaps for the throat. It wants to win at any cost and I have no leash to keep it back, only will, and that counts for little when warm blood fills the air. But there is the difference; I hunt and you protect. I am a predator but you are no prey. Maybe that is why we get on so well? I have no want or need to attack you and you don't want or need to attack anything. But we are both filled with fury at injustice, even though I can be very unjust. Another irony. With gingered cats and rag dolls gone I have nothing to play with so maybe now I can progress. On to what, though? If I run fast enough I may be able to make the watery gap west before I sink. I can't see that land across the stormy sea, but I can smell it. Only doom awaits me in these forests. I can fight off anything they throw at me but I will not escape unharmed. I already have scars and bloody fur. My pelt has lost it's sheen as my will for this place grows weaker by the day and the clouds block the sight of the moon, my only escape from this reality. I want to know where you are, Yellow Bull. What mountain do you roam? I will find you and we can talk again. When the Fox and the Rabbit wed we may meet, and if we do? I will be happy. And you and I, Yellow Bull, can roam again together if only for a short time.

-R

Tame me no more.

As strange as it sounds, I want to be angry again. Raging. Furious. Hateful. In that I am passionate and I feel alive and adventurous and am able to take on anyone and anything. But routine and domestic life has half tamed me.
That's why I love metal and other such types of music, they release the fury and let me scream at the world for a short time.
That is why I love the night. Everyone is asleep and I can creep and watch and kill. I am invisible. The moon is my light and my Mother. The stars are my guardians. In the day everyone watches me and stares and the cities bustle with drones. Only the best survive at night.
Without passion we are shells. Without fury we are broken and tame. Only by expressing out loud what is wrong and what we hate will anything ever happen. I will not be bullied by other wolves who think they are bigger and better than me. I will scream and growl and roar at anyone who tries to put me down. I will not be bullied in to releasing what makes me live. I will not be bullied in to letting go of my passion.

Never try and tame me more than I already am. Any more pushing and you'll lose a hand at least and your head at worst.

I am Wolfskin.

PLEASE READ THIS

We don't talk anymore... We used to, but now? Now there is a comment here and there, a picture to remind ourselves what the other looks like, and sometimes a call or text. When we meet in town it's brief and we are surrounded by others so there is no chance for a meaningful conversation. Do we know each other anymore? Did we ever? We are so similar in many ways and very different in others. Your heart yearns for a different place than mine. But the connection will not be broken so easily, yet there is a type of separation between us. When I see you I want to hug you tightly so you know I've missed you, so you know that we're still friends but just a little better than that. I love to read your writings and poems. I keep up with them and there is not one I haven't read.

The time we spend together is not enough. It's a short "Hello" and go. I want to go to lunch, or something, with you so we can catch up and I can see how you're doing. I want to know what troubles you and what your plans are. I want to talk like we used to. I'd share my thoughts and you'd share yours. Not over computers or whatever, face to face. Heart to heart. I want that.

But that's what it is; a want. It is not a need. It never will be. But if it was it wouldn't be special. I don't need to see you more but I want to from the bottom of my heart. I don't like spending time with a lot of people, even those in town. The 'acquaintances'. But I treasure every moment I'm with you. Those times are when I am most happy because I know I am sitting with some one I could know for eternity and never grow bored of or grow less fond of. You are one of a select few that I can truly call Friend. You are very special to me and I miss you. When I'm alone my mind wanders back to you and I smile. Memories flow back of the good times we have had together and I sometimes laugh out loud.


Sorry to get all soppy and shit. Much of this is emasculating but I don't really care. I don't know how to say it any better. But it could have been said worse, if that's any consolation...

See. Perceive. React.

Look around. What do you see? Don't say to me you see trees, people, cities, streets! Don't make yourself look like a fool! What do you see? Yes, you who reads this. This is a question directed at YOU. Do you see a place you love to be in or a room where you have too much pain painted in to the walls? Have you laughed more than cried there? Are you just passing through? Is this your writing spot? The place where you prey, perhaps? Take this time to remember. Remember what, you think? Remember everything and anything. Let the feelings of your memories flow back. Do you feel pain? Joy? Contentment? Lust? Do you feel saved? Alive? Outcast?
If you are alone, ask yourself out loud "Do I see what is really here?" Go on, do it. If you don't then stop reading this and go away, I will not be mindlessly humoured.

"Do I see what is really here?" You can see with your eyes. You can register that you are in a room. Well done to you. But do you have the awareness to see the surroundings of your circumstances and your life? Can you see that people love you when you are down and out? Can you see that you may not be understood in many ways but that you are always loved? Can you see that when you are running your mouth off that you can hurt a person so very easily? You can build and break with your words, far more easily than you think. Can you see that you are blocking out the truth because it will hurt too fucking much? Can you admit that? Can you accept it? Will you accept it? Can you see that fear keeps you here and pride walls you up? Can you see that you are special? All who are reading this are special. Please see that. So many go through life with the thought that they are a clone of a clone. Unremarkable and grey. Do not be one of those people. See with your mind. Perceive your actions. React with your love.

If you plead for an action, take the action in to your own hands and do something about it yourself. If you wait for someone to act then they will never act. If you take action you inspire others to do so. See that fear keeps you here and pride walls you up. For every action there is action. For every silence there is silence.

As blunt as the axe I severed its head with...

That's me. And anyone who knows me knows it. The title is irrelevant, I just think it sounds cool.

I was thinking about the blog name 'Lamb in Wolfskin' and why I relate to it. I've never really put a lot of thought in to it until recently. I suppose it's just what I am. Contrary to popular belief I'm not a wolf roaming for chickens to effortlessly kill and prancing deer to hunt and destroy, I'm a lamb. I'm a happy, fun, emotional, soft lamb. But the hide I wear is just to keep me hidden. The wolfskin I wear makes me angry, rough, loud, violent, hateful, vicious and deadly. However, it has gotten to the stage were the lamb no longer comes out of the hide but speaks through the mouth of the wolf.
People don't get me and why should they? One moment I'm sarcastic and caustic the next I'm laughing and making jokes just trying to make the people around me laugh too. I am an unfortunate contradiction. Unlike the wolves dressed as lambs searching for unwitting prey, I am the lamb that just wanted to be left alone and the only way to prove to them why they should go away was to kill a wolf. One of my problems is not hiding away when attacked, my problem is fighting back and fighting hard. Harder than the other is willing to go. And I can just switch it on. Then after I've fought off the attack I can resume my jokes and laughter. It doesn't effect me, all this fighting. You don't like me? Fine. Fuck you and fuck off. That's just the way I am. But that's the problem. No one likes that. In school, no one fights me any more. Physically or intellectually. However, there have been a few cases where the fighting has effected me. It's not very often, but when it does it hurts. A lot more than I will ever admit. You see, there is no middle ground. It either doesn't bother me at all or it hurts immensely. I can shut everyone out easily and I can make it VERY convincing, but with some people those doors are hard to keep locked. With some people I have to stop myself from texting them too much or talking to them too much. With some people I can only close a door and never lock it. And with others it's as easy as breathing. I can do it in my sleep. As my personality dictates, I would rather have very few good friends than have millions of 'mates'. Schoolmates, classmates, town mates, workmates. With those people I want to be my good friends I can't lock those doors. Notice the "with those I want". Others I want to be good friends with and they don't. Why would they? I'm a walking contradiction and a snarling wolf, right? So it seems. If enough people say something, does that make it true? As a wolf I look up to the lion. King of his land and master of the domain. Cool headed protector and strongest of all. A team player and gilded with just enough pride to keep him at the top of the food chain without falling to his own ego. I am smarter than the bull who is simply blinded with rage and thick as two short planks. But I am more vicious than the leopard or jaguar. And I am not as relaxed as a bear. I am isolated in the snow and I thrive in the loneliness. But when those who come in to my land are not my usual prey I wonder are they friend or food? One way to find out.
I'm a good fighter and that's not a good thing. Many people aren't so I beat them and am called evil. Even the other predators that hunt for fun are bad fighters. They lack the passion that comes out of necessity. I've met other wolves and they're fun. We understand each other and that is when the lambs talk and bound together. I've met many creatures and have only been beaten by a few. I do socialise and do all that but my home is the loneliness that is not so lonely. The dark is comforting, not fearful. The silence is welcome, not loathed. The moon is my friend, not a rock. The night is warm, not cold. Here, I am at home.
With all this said, who will take note? Two people will read this so I will talk to you two directly.

Mark, you are my teacher and mentor and a wise man I look up to and love very much. All my feelings of inadequacy as a person go away when I talk to you. I miss you.

Jon, what else can I say to my best friend? You know me better than I know myself it seems on many occasions. My life would be much worse if I didn't have you. You know what I go through and you have good words to help me through it all. You're love for me leaves me wanting to be around you to pay you back for all the great times I have had with you and with any luck we will have many more together. I miss you.

Perspective

Every star we see is within our own galaxy. Even so we only see a small fraction of it. There are many solar systems within our galaxy. Beyond our galaxy are billions more galaxies. Suns and stars far greater than our own. Nebulae light years long. Life is all around us and further than we will ever reach.

The oldest human recorded in modern times was 122 years old. The average life expectancy of a human can range from 29 - 85 depending on where you live. Methuselah, in the Hebrew Bible, lived to 969 years old, the oldest person to be found anywhere.

A star that is the size of our own sun is estimated to live 14 million years including the development (birth) and red giant then white dwarf stages of its life.

Puts human life and time in to perspective.

Life

It's been hard lately. For most of my time I think. What else is there to do? My days are routine: go to school, play guitar, work out, eat, breath, sleep. I hate it. I hate school. School itself is fine. It is there for a purpose. However, the time wasted infuriates me. School is not me. I was not made for education. I do not want to be in that hell hole. There is no chain that binds me to it. I am an adult. I can leave and get a job if I wanted to. The thought crosses my mind every day. Why don't I? One reason. I may want to become an Officer in the army at a point. I need my L.C. for that. I am even wondering if I want to be in the army or not. I love the world. I love nature. Mountains, rivers, beaches (to an extent), grasslands, forests, jungles, seas, deserts, all of it. I love it all. The sky in all its wonders that are taken for granted. Standing in the thundering rain makes my heart swell. Lightning striking the Earth or racing across the clouds. It's beautiful. The stars and other space creations. Nebulae, planets, suns, moons, asteroids, meteoroids, comets, all of them. Everything. All the works of man can not come close to nature. All we seem to do is strive to copy it thinking we can do better when we can't. We manipulate trying to better the world of tomorrow and throwing our waste on today. Every today we do the same never to touch tomorrow. Never to see the benefits of our alterations of this planet, only to succeed in destroying the only place we have to live. This is what I live for. The world. To trek high into the mountains and shout at the highest peak a wordless cry of freedom that the Earth itself echos back to me in a chorus of admiration for life. Let the wolfskin I wear become real for a few fleeting moments of true happiness. Of true fulfilment and purpose. Let the intellect fade in to nothingness, leaving only the Earth and I to be one. I want to be free. Here, I am not free. I am bound. Here, I and forced into standardised testing, thinking, doing and a standardised life. Here, we are all chained. We march every day through our streets of grey cut stone slabs and see our airbrushed monarchs and deities on magazines and on the T.V. screen. Distractions from the misery we have bought in to. People peer in to the lives of others to ignore their own. Our hunger for technology and mass production combined with scientists that don't know when to stop has led us down this long road. Some try to swim and dive in to life, but they break their necks on the rock bottom of this shallow puddle we all seem to trudge through. People let their bodies turn to shells, uncaring what happens to them. Letting the drugs take hold of them, letting the grease and butter soakings seep in, letting the smoke build its cancers on strong foundations of addiction. I have done drugs, I have smoked, I like the taste of butter on my toast, but I have made the conscious to stop. In a modern world where heart failure is a stones throw away to the closest and cheapest food you wan find, I'm saying "I'll enjoy my little bits, but I will not fall pray." Moderation is the key. It always was the key. Too much is bad. Of anything. Food, drink (not just alcohol you idiots), oxygen, exercise, fat, sugar, fiber, sleep, sex, everything. If you have too much it'll do you harm. Even time. Mortality is the greatest blessing an the greatest curse. We are weak and die easily. Too little of life and you never had a chance. Too much and you lose your zest.
You know I'm right. If I put this much thought into something, I'm rarely, rarely ever wrong about it. It comes with my double-sided sword. Being analytical. I can get things right with a lot of thought. Too much thought and I'm wrong. Thankfully, with this I have thought just enough.

Bye.