Return.

It was gone for a while, but it's back. The fear. I was lying in bed only a few moments ago and I suddenly felt totally empty and had a panic attack like no other. I curled up in a ball and with everything that had been pushed down for a short while released my mind rushed through my whole life and suddenly I was dead.
Why do I feel so alone again? Why does this happen? Why is it that night after night I lie in my bed, cold and alone when there is always a space left for some one to come and lie with me? Why can't I have some company one night? I just want her to come lie beside me, tell me it's ok so we can sleep together and I can sleep easy for once in a long while.

As I have tears in my eyes typing this, I think I'll try to go to sleep again.

I hate my life. I can't even tell you how much.

Hello again, dear friend.

"We don't talk about the reasons I cry." I'm sorry I said that and blocked you out. I wanted to say but I was afraid. I don't want  to shut you out, I want to do the opposite.

I want to let you in.

.

I actually arrived home and cried.

.,.

Just over a year and just over 70 posts. Nice to know I did more than one a week.

Together

We don't know what tomorrow will hold, but we face it so bold.

We face it so bold.

We face it so bold.

Divided we stand. Together we fight. Alone we learn to die in silence.

We exhale together and the first steps are taken in a forward wave.

The touch I didn't know I craved. Love, the word I wouldn't say.
A different path I knew was paved. We walk hand in hand.

Even in plain cloths you are amazing.

All those photographs can't do you justice.

I don't deserve what I am getting.

But I won't argue with you.

We don't know what tomorrow will hold, but we face it so bold.

We face it so bold.

We face it so bold.

Update?

Fuck school! But on the other fronts, things are going good! Remember the chick I mentioned? Sowing the seeds my friends, sowing the seeds.

S.F.H.

And on and on they crawl,
The minutes of our lives.
We're born and then we're dead.

(From 'Until We're Dead' by Star Fucking Hipsters. Look them up.)

Here

Finally, I feel what I feel when I'm left alone. Safe. Happy. Wanting to sing. It is raining heavily out side and it makes me smile because I am reminded of the great power of the earth and the colossal mountains that tower overhead fighting in serenity with the raging seas of peace.

It's all good.

Hell hath no wrath...

Thank God Jesus was a guy or we'd ALL be fucked!

.

For Gods sake! Stop thinking about it! It's just in your fucking head!!! It won't happen. You had your fucking chance and you with your fucking hesitance fucked it up! GET OVER IT, RONAN!!! It wasn't about you, you shitfuck. Stop hoping, you're just hurting yourself.

"Demons, leave me be." I plead.

"Devil, let me die in peace!"

Running conflict

Here we go again. The conflict that arises every now and then is, you guessed it, back. What is my conflict? I'll never tell. Not unless you ask real nice. And even then I'll hesitate.

Fork in the Road

I walk a road that has high walls of fickle roses.
A path that widens only to thin up ahead.
Never consistent,
With smooth slabs one time
And rocky trails the next.
Every now and then a golden path will lead away
To join with another road.
There I see no high walls,
No threatening thorns.
Like lying on a lush moor in midsummer with a lover
It is easy and filled with green grasses.
It is calm and bathed with sun.
Every now and then I'll wrestle with myself
If I should take the path.
But the road I walk is needy.
And the road I walk is strong.
Or is it just my weakness that keeps me in these walls?
I trudge along
A long road winding.
I sing to lessen reality
As I know this road is wrong.

--------------------------------

What I want is something new that's something old that's something gold that needs renewed.

--------------------------------

I'm suffering for this lack of sleep, but insomnia won't go away. Penance, perhaps? But, what did I do wrong again? I predict that it is for something I will do rather than what I have done. My own conscience attacking me to get it over with and do the deed already. But it's hard. I had it, you know. It was done. But second chances don't seem to have a limit. I just keep giving them. After cheating, slander, blame, hate, arguing, drunken lies, cheating, silence, I just keep giving them. My acts of forgiveness have over shadowed the need for fair justice. And it is I who suffers. But I do not kill this beast because I will feel bad and empathetic in it's suffering. In my domestication I have become soft...

Insight.

I am a romantic. Yet romance is tragedy. Isn't it?

Addendum:

Looking over the second last entry I made the wolfskin sound all bad. It's not. If it ever becomes real and I am no longer the shy lamb I will be what I want to be: wild and free. If only for a few fleeting moments...

Tricks

I've been having these dreams lately with a reoccurring person in them. They are always in my dreams now. In different ways, but they are always there and always they are a main character. The dream content is, for now, irrelevant. The point is they are always there...

Thank God

This is great. Finally, I'll be off that stupid website Bebo. Long over due.