Thoughts.

33... 34... 35. Who knew I was so heavy? Or am I just weak? Push-ups are harder when you haven't done them in a while. But my hatred burns and keeps me going. The voices roar at me and I roar back with my might and sin. All the conversations stampede through my head. There is little laughter in them. But I can roar louder and harder and for longer with a bitter tongue and poison in my teeth. Perhaps I should resign to what I was? Although I was little liked I was happy. I had a taste of those times earlier, but there was no happiness in it. I was bitten by a rag doll so I tore an arm off. If I had my way I would have dismembered it and saved the head for last. And I say I'm just in my barks? But I always apologise first, for every little thing I say "I'm sorry". But when it comes to this I won't back down. If you are so strong then fight me again and take all my might and my sin, take all of me and I will not hold back. The violence will swarm like a tempest and rip through you. You underestimate me... But... for all my yelping I am the true destroyer. But I like the power in it. The power to tear someone down with a sentence. The power to strike fear with a glance. But I hate people like that. Perhaps because they are too much like me and I don't like competition? I am truly malicious and disgusting. But the greatest threat to me says nothing because he is like me and he knows if he turns on me I will reveal everything. All secrets and weaknesses. But I will never do that, or so I say. Do I have more honour than that? Do I have enough respect for her to not do that to her if she lashes out again? Am I that spiteful? Am I that... evil?
But these are all just thoughts. If we said everything we thought everything would fall to pieces in seconds.
But I won't reveal a thing. My friend and I have reached stale mate. Pride and selfishness are the roots and routes of all sin. Love is the root and route of all good. But will love prevail today? The Morning Star fell because of pride and selfishness. I wonder will he win this battle? I want to fight. I want to kill. But will that all take a back seat to what is needed? What IS needed?
38... 39... 40... My hatred has burned out. But if this happens again, I will give up and break for the west sooner than is planned. Hopefully that will never come to pass. A friend is a friend, after all. But I am no betrayer. I am a brutal fucker who spits venom when provoked and beats ants in to the ground. I am a lier to those I care little about. I say the most horrible things to win.

But I am no betrayer.

I will burn those pages that where wraped in delusions so that none may remember them. A bamboo book seeped in stupidity and haste. I don't want to fight you again... I don't know what will happen and I don't trust myself. I am too stubborn for any sort of good to come from me. If you want to take this chance to go then go. I will not hate you, I will understand.
Think hard. Whether spirits guide you or not, think hard. The bleeding lamb is in your territory now. Kill it or mend it. Your choice. Either way... I'm sorry. For what? For being who I am, whatever that is.