Death... again...

By now you all know (those of you who read this) I'm terrified of death. My own death, obviously. It's progressively getting worse... Not good. I'm getting sick of this. Every now and then a voice will just say "You're going to die. You're not going to exist. And it happens every night. Every. Night. Even writing this makes my heart race and fill with fear. I'm scared... Very scared. I tried reading texts to help combat this but it just made it worse! Again, right now, my heart is racing, my chest is tight, my leg is tapping with anxiety and my breath is stuttered. What the hell? And it's not that I'm really afraid of not existing, because eternity ALSO scares me! What will I be doing if I get to Heaven, if it exists? BUT! Thinking about dying tomorrow doesn't scare me that much. It scares me FAR less than when I'm old and eternity. Not that being old itself scares me. Maybe it's the thought that it's so long away? Even if I'm 'reborn' or some crap like that, I don't like that either because it won't be my consciousness, it'll be someone else. Even if it's my soul it's someone elses mind and our minds are our consciousness and consciousness is what makes us who we are. I have long believed that thought is the defining factor. My thought is betraying me. It may sound immature or childish or small or stupid, but I don't want to die. In all honesty, I have to hold back some tears, even though I'm just typing this. I don't want to die. Life is wonderful and beautiful. The mountains and seas and the forests and animals and skies of all the different planets in this universe and maybe other universes, too. Why, then, if I love life am I focused on death? In the articles it mentioned about depression. I suppose I am depressed. I don't know what about? I have one more test and I'm out of school forever, I have a beautiful and fun girlfriend, I'm going to start a band with a friend that I've been looking forward to doing for a few months, it's summer, I'm an adult, I'm getting better at guitar, I have good friends, I'm alive, what do I have to be depressed about? What the fuck is wrong with me?! Why can't I just be happy for once? What is this accomplishing? I am a man of the present. Not the past or the future. I firmly believe that we should learn from the past, plan for the future but stay in today and not dwell on the past or jump to the future. Why, then, is my mind constantly in the future?! It's pissing me off. My thoughts betray my beliefs. It's horrifying. It really is. I'm depressed but I'm hardly going to commit suicide, am I? First of all, I am against suicide straight out. It's selfish and spits in the face of life. Secondly, I'm quite obviously, in case you haven't noticed, scared shit less of it! Even thinking two years in the future scares me. I mean, you don't know what's going to happen. What will it be like? And then I think "Well I'm just two years closer to death." Sweet..... Positive thoughts, eh?.. I feel old.. Don't fucking start! "You're not old." I KNOW I'M NOT! I feel old. Worn and torn, beat up and discarded, chewed up and shat out. Lovely. I don't feel my age. I feel much, much older. But I don't have the life behind me. My Granny is 66, she has the life behind her and she seems young. I'm 18, feel old and don't have the life behind me. It never goes away. I used to get it every now and then. It first started when I was just a little boy, seriously. It's my earliest memory. I was in a cot or something like it and Nuala was asleep. It must have been in the middle of the day because the curtains were closed but it was bright outside. I can tell because the colour of the curtains lit the room the same colour. I remember having the same feeling I have now and it scaring me. I cried, said I didn't want to die, tossed for a while then nothing. Must have fallen asleep. Then every 2 years or so from 8 or 9 onwards it would attack me for a week or two then I would be fine. This has lasted since January. It wasn't too bad then, it's terrifying now. How do you dispel a fear that has been life long? I don't know if I can. I really don't... I'm sick of this. Absolutely sick of this shit. Me, afraid? I fear very little. Not be blowing some tuff guy horn, just not a lot of things do scare me. But typical Ronan, the things that I'm not scared of don't affect me in any way, the things that do terrify me in to a lack of sleep and mental health problems like short bursts of extreme anxiety and tormented reasoning. That's all I can think of right now...