Who am I?/ Shiver

Who will I be? All through humanity there have been a few we have noticed and billions we have not. Not because of malice but just because they are the cogs of this clock and not the hands. We can quote those who are famous or well known and many of us will, if not know the quote, know the one who is being quoted. Philosophers, leaders, generals, composers, kings, queens, scientists and astronauts. These people stood out for one reason or another and we can look back and see their lives and admire them. We can say that their lives where worth living and that the world would be less of a world with out them.
But who am I? Ronan Kenny from Ireland. A bit bland... I suppose everyone wants to be famous. But I don't want fame. I guess the question I'm really asking is "Will I be remembered?" Life is short, unfortunately, and we are all blips. But some blips give an echo or a resonance and last that little bit longer even though the source is gone. Seemingly ordinary people go on to be remembered for years to come. For the right or wrong reasons. I don't know if I'll be remembered and I won't know because I'll be dead by then. But if all it is is a lie then lie to me and tell me I'll be remembered. Comfort me in that way and at least I'll know you cared enough to give me a happy thought before I go.

I... I sat alone in a room today for a little while. Just stared out side and thought. As I sat I felt what I've been feeling for a long time now; there is a barrier around me and it's empty. It's like I want to be held. And I do. But I don't know by who. I hug my Mum and tell her I love her and see says she loves me too. I was going out with some one but their hugs didn't feel like hugs. I feel vulnerable. When I go through my day I feel like a little child. Sometimes I pass a window and see someone at the other side who looks older and then I realise it's me. I forget what I look like. I forget I'm 18 and have a beard and angry eyes that I probably glare at everyone with without even knowing it. My muscles ached today so I had a hot bath. A very hot bath. I still felt a little bit cold. But I know it's not my body telling me I'm cold. On Paddy's Day I was at The Spanish Arch and there was at least a thousand people there all crammed in. I was with plenty of people I knew and I laughed a lot. I still felt a little bit alone. I feel nervous like everyone is watching and expecting. But I don't know what they are expecting. Failure? Spontaneity? A joke? Some wise saying? A funny rant? I don't know. My friends are changing and I don't know how to be any more. Being me, or what they see of me, is not enough for some any more. I see and feel them getting bored or sick of me like I'm the ones who is changing. I'm not saying change is bad, I'm saying I just don't know what to do any more. That little emptiness that's inside me is growing with an incline. As the end of my school era comes closer, I'm left thinking what I should be doing. Hopefully I'll be getting in to an instrument making (Luthier is the correct name) course in Limerick that will last from Sept 09 - May 2010. But where would I go from there? Perhaps use that year as a stepping stone and move to London to do a more in depth course there? Open up my own work shop and make a living making and reparing instruments? Who knows? It may just be next year and that's it. Maybe I'll end up moving to America? I feel it calling me, in a sence. Like I'm ment to go over there for some reason I don't yet know of. Perhaps I'll pray tonight and see if God tells me anything. I've never asked this before, but, if you read this will you pray for me? At least if I can't know I'd like someone watching over me as I pass through these next 2 years. And if you get a responce, tell me about it. Even if it seems trivial, it won't to me.