Who am I?/ Shiver

Who will I be? All through humanity there have been a few we have noticed and billions we have not. Not because of malice but just because they are the cogs of this clock and not the hands. We can quote those who are famous or well known and many of us will, if not know the quote, know the one who is being quoted. Philosophers, leaders, generals, composers, kings, queens, scientists and astronauts. These people stood out for one reason or another and we can look back and see their lives and admire them. We can say that their lives where worth living and that the world would be less of a world with out them.
But who am I? Ronan Kenny from Ireland. A bit bland... I suppose everyone wants to be famous. But I don't want fame. I guess the question I'm really asking is "Will I be remembered?" Life is short, unfortunately, and we are all blips. But some blips give an echo or a resonance and last that little bit longer even though the source is gone. Seemingly ordinary people go on to be remembered for years to come. For the right or wrong reasons. I don't know if I'll be remembered and I won't know because I'll be dead by then. But if all it is is a lie then lie to me and tell me I'll be remembered. Comfort me in that way and at least I'll know you cared enough to give me a happy thought before I go.

I... I sat alone in a room today for a little while. Just stared out side and thought. As I sat I felt what I've been feeling for a long time now; there is a barrier around me and it's empty. It's like I want to be held. And I do. But I don't know by who. I hug my Mum and tell her I love her and see says she loves me too. I was going out with some one but their hugs didn't feel like hugs. I feel vulnerable. When I go through my day I feel like a little child. Sometimes I pass a window and see someone at the other side who looks older and then I realise it's me. I forget what I look like. I forget I'm 18 and have a beard and angry eyes that I probably glare at everyone with without even knowing it. My muscles ached today so I had a hot bath. A very hot bath. I still felt a little bit cold. But I know it's not my body telling me I'm cold. On Paddy's Day I was at The Spanish Arch and there was at least a thousand people there all crammed in. I was with plenty of people I knew and I laughed a lot. I still felt a little bit alone. I feel nervous like everyone is watching and expecting. But I don't know what they are expecting. Failure? Spontaneity? A joke? Some wise saying? A funny rant? I don't know. My friends are changing and I don't know how to be any more. Being me, or what they see of me, is not enough for some any more. I see and feel them getting bored or sick of me like I'm the ones who is changing. I'm not saying change is bad, I'm saying I just don't know what to do any more. That little emptiness that's inside me is growing with an incline. As the end of my school era comes closer, I'm left thinking what I should be doing. Hopefully I'll be getting in to an instrument making (Luthier is the correct name) course in Limerick that will last from Sept 09 - May 2010. But where would I go from there? Perhaps use that year as a stepping stone and move to London to do a more in depth course there? Open up my own work shop and make a living making and reparing instruments? Who knows? It may just be next year and that's it. Maybe I'll end up moving to America? I feel it calling me, in a sence. Like I'm ment to go over there for some reason I don't yet know of. Perhaps I'll pray tonight and see if God tells me anything. I've never asked this before, but, if you read this will you pray for me? At least if I can't know I'd like someone watching over me as I pass through these next 2 years. And if you get a responce, tell me about it. Even if it seems trivial, it won't to me.

Here

Finally, I feel what I feel when I'm left alone. Safe. Happy. Wanting to sing. It is raining heavily out side and it makes me smile because I am reminded of the great power of the earth and the colossal mountains that tower overhead fighting in serenity with the raging seas of peace.

It's all good.

Let Me Rest...

If I try and sleep tonight
Will I sleep at all?
Will soft whispers return
And not stop until they are heard?
My bones call for the morning
But my skin can not take the light.
I am crying as the tears have finally come
But my mind is too heavy to dry them.
Silence was my closest friend
But it has betrayed me like the others.
Please, hold me as time draws on
Before it gets too late.
My eyes are red
And my heart is heavy.
My soul is eternal
But my flesh is dying.
I am weary,
Let me rest...

Too much time.

If I lie in bed for too long
Awake in still bleakness,
The Reaper lies beside me
And whispers in my ear
Telling truths bent by mind,
Foreseeing ends yet unwritten.
I am paralyzed by fear.

I am scared.

I am afraid.

I cry and fidget.
Getting out of bed
I am restless with helplessness
Because I can not stop the end.
It is too late in the night
And I have no one to embrace me.
I am not little any more
And my Mother can not help me.
I pray to God with tears
But the silence grows stronger.
I am paralyzed by fear.

I am shivering.

I am alone.

Now with the bathroom light above me
I calm a little and sit on the tiles.
Even with my knees drawn close
I do not feel protected.
I will think in the light
For a different outcome.

Every day is slow but memory is fast.
The sun does not rise any faster
Or speed to the other end.
It takes pace as it has for eons.
We all must die
As we all are fragile.

Easy to come.

Easier to go.

Only when my time is up will I die.
That is not yet written.
Too much life and you lose your passion.
Immortality was not meant for us
Because we are weak and small
Unable for the responsibility
Of Gods power.

I hope if I reach old age
I will accept my end
And have only the regrets
Of my sins.
But for now
I will shiver
On the cold tiles
In the dim bathroom light.

Patch

Here. A needle, thread and a patch.
Sew yourself back together as I lick my wounds.
The fight takes it's toll on both of us.
No winds of conflict stir now.
No creature makes a sound
Around the patch of wood
Now desolate.
We both sit, tired and weak.
The mud hides some deeper wounds.
I stand, now that I'm called out.
No bitterness is left.
No more of this today
And I will walk to pick you up
To carry.
By the way side I'll let you down.
There we can heal ourselves.
Our silence is needed to mend.
We can throw seeds on the mud.
Life will grow again there
If we both tend to the sprouts
In future.
I will do this act.
I was the vicious one.
I howl loud today.
The fight is over.

Thoughts.

33... 34... 35. Who knew I was so heavy? Or am I just weak? Push-ups are harder when you haven't done them in a while. But my hatred burns and keeps me going. The voices roar at me and I roar back with my might and sin. All the conversations stampede through my head. There is little laughter in them. But I can roar louder and harder and for longer with a bitter tongue and poison in my teeth. Perhaps I should resign to what I was? Although I was little liked I was happy. I had a taste of those times earlier, but there was no happiness in it. I was bitten by a rag doll so I tore an arm off. If I had my way I would have dismembered it and saved the head for last. And I say I'm just in my barks? But I always apologise first, for every little thing I say "I'm sorry". But when it comes to this I won't back down. If you are so strong then fight me again and take all my might and my sin, take all of me and I will not hold back. The violence will swarm like a tempest and rip through you. You underestimate me... But... for all my yelping I am the true destroyer. But I like the power in it. The power to tear someone down with a sentence. The power to strike fear with a glance. But I hate people like that. Perhaps because they are too much like me and I don't like competition? I am truly malicious and disgusting. But the greatest threat to me says nothing because he is like me and he knows if he turns on me I will reveal everything. All secrets and weaknesses. But I will never do that, or so I say. Do I have more honour than that? Do I have enough respect for her to not do that to her if she lashes out again? Am I that spiteful? Am I that... evil?
But these are all just thoughts. If we said everything we thought everything would fall to pieces in seconds.
But I won't reveal a thing. My friend and I have reached stale mate. Pride and selfishness are the roots and routes of all sin. Love is the root and route of all good. But will love prevail today? The Morning Star fell because of pride and selfishness. I wonder will he win this battle? I want to fight. I want to kill. But will that all take a back seat to what is needed? What IS needed?
38... 39... 40... My hatred has burned out. But if this happens again, I will give up and break for the west sooner than is planned. Hopefully that will never come to pass. A friend is a friend, after all. But I am no betrayer. I am a brutal fucker who spits venom when provoked and beats ants in to the ground. I am a lier to those I care little about. I say the most horrible things to win.

But I am no betrayer.

I will burn those pages that where wraped in delusions so that none may remember them. A bamboo book seeped in stupidity and haste. I don't want to fight you again... I don't know what will happen and I don't trust myself. I am too stubborn for any sort of good to come from me. If you want to take this chance to go then go. I will not hate you, I will understand.
Think hard. Whether spirits guide you or not, think hard. The bleeding lamb is in your territory now. Kill it or mend it. Your choice. Either way... I'm sorry. For what? For being who I am, whatever that is.

Tonight

How many times do I have to scream until I'm heard?
How many times do I have to cry until the tears come?
How many times do I have to run before I can move?
How many times do I have to breath before I'm alive?

I don't feel life gracing me as I see it grace others.
I'm scared.
My phone vibrates and my heart races.
It runs for a hiding place I don't have.
We are all weak. We are all strong.
Decoding humanity is something that should be left alone.
The facts are there but the truth is always missed.
Venom has the ability to kill. Words have the ability to destroy.
Annihilation is my specialty. But I'm losing my touch. Good? Bad?
I'm too tired to think so I'll just sing instead.

How many times do I have to swim before I can float?
How many times do I have to climb before my hands touch the mountain?
How many times do I have to sprint until I can crawl?
How many times do I have to fall until I can fly?

To the Yellow Bull.

You and I, Yellow Bull, are filled with rage but you keep yours under better stay than I. Ironic. With a misplaced whisper my anger bounds out and snaps for the throat. It wants to win at any cost and I have no leash to keep it back, only will, and that counts for little when warm blood fills the air. But there is the difference; I hunt and you protect. I am a predator but you are no prey. Maybe that is why we get on so well? I have no want or need to attack you and you don't want or need to attack anything. But we are both filled with fury at injustice, even though I can be very unjust. Another irony. With gingered cats and rag dolls gone I have nothing to play with so maybe now I can progress. On to what, though? If I run fast enough I may be able to make the watery gap west before I sink. I can't see that land across the stormy sea, but I can smell it. Only doom awaits me in these forests. I can fight off anything they throw at me but I will not escape unharmed. I already have scars and bloody fur. My pelt has lost it's sheen as my will for this place grows weaker by the day and the clouds block the sight of the moon, my only escape from this reality. I want to know where you are, Yellow Bull. What mountain do you roam? I will find you and we can talk again. When the Fox and the Rabbit wed we may meet, and if we do? I will be happy. And you and I, Yellow Bull, can roam again together if only for a short time.

-R

Hell hath no wrath...

Thank God Jesus was a guy or we'd ALL be fucked!

Today.

Wars depicted in paintings I scribble in my sleep.
Prophecy foretells what will aways be.
Corruption had already taken hold.
The decay is crumbling off.
Humans lick their wounds.
The poison is too deep to suck out.
Monopolies rule but the foundations quiver.
Drug squads raid playschools.
Students shoot the system but only bruise the town.
Life died alone.

None

My pack did not leave me,
I left them. To search
For some meaning.
I haven't found any yet.

It seems that the pack
I left was the only one.
I have found no other wolves.
What does that mean?

I'm not going back to them.
All of them howled loud
But none would hunt or kill.
Cowards.

I have met bitches and mongrels,
All domestic and none wild.
One or two tried to noose me
But they're dead now.

I'm still looking.
But what for, again?
It's been so long
And none fit the fur.

I thought I had the scent
But it's gone now.
A sea stops me from moving west.
But not for long.

Please look back...

Keep meaning the words you say to me
And I will be yours, you will be mine.
Keep revealing your truths, I will keep revealing mine
And with time our connection will grow stronger.
Keep talking to me, I will too
And silence won't kill our time.
Keep showing me you, I'll keep going
And you will find me caring.
Keep showing me love
And you will find me ever faithful.
Keep walking away, I will retreat
And you will lose this chance.
Please look back...

.

For Gods sake! Stop thinking about it! It's just in your fucking head!!! It won't happen. You had your fucking chance and you with your fucking hesitance fucked it up! GET OVER IT, RONAN!!! It wasn't about you, you shitfuck. Stop hoping, you're just hurting yourself.

Orion (My Golden Valentine)

Written from the perspective of a woman (lyrics)

Do you remember
All those years ago,
When a girl and an immortal where one?
We lay under
The golden sun
And made love in a golden dream.
Your raven hair,
Your softened touch,
Caressing me.

You told me
You loved me so much.
I told you,
"I love you too."

Orion,
My hunter with ruby eyes.
Orion,
My lover and Valentine.
Your strength surrounds.
A new hope found
As we lie under an azure sky.

Will you remember,
All the years from now,
When I have passed away
When we rolled in the grass,
From the first to the last
Hour of the that day?
My heart jumped pace
As you took your place.
A maiden no more am I.

You where my only one.

Orion,
The blue is fading faster.
Orion,
The night becomes the master.
As the black comes on
Your arms so strong
Relax and release me slowly.

I kissed your lips
And shared a last embrace
Before you stood to go.
In silhouetted grace,
You took a hasted pace
And never turned 'round to see me.

Then
I
Cried.

Please tell me, Orion
Why you had to leave?
"If you could only understand
That the strong are also weak."

"I left
To protect
From a life that's filled with death.
On our golden day,
In our golden dream
I wanted you to remember me that way.
Not blood stained,
Not beaten,
Nor slaying Heaven's Gods.
I only wished
To share my love.
You where my only one."

"But I swear to protect you.
Even if I don't return."

I waited
For years to come
For my Golden Valentine.

Orion.

Many years ago,
When I was just a girl,
I met a man so strong.
In youthful glee
We where intertwined
Together for a days forever.
But he left to become
A hero of all the world
So now I'm left alone.

Orion,
My tears have filled the sky.
Orion,
The night has a comforting sight.
Raise your sword
And hold your shield
In the night, defend me.
Remember me
Through eternity
My lover and Valentine.