You are who I hate the most.

They make me look bad. Like a fool. Like I'm mad and idiotic and plain crazy. Damn your children, God. Damn those idiots who call themselves Christian.
It's the Arts Festival... I hate the A.F. Too many people in a small 'city'. So in this time of lot o' sinners, obnoxious in-your-face Evangelists go around the town spreading the Good Word (no sarcasm in that last bit). I don't like talking to them. Ever. I just get angry. Very. Case and point: myself and a few of my friends (let's say 5) where sitting in Eyre Square just talking about bollocks. Two old ones come up and start telling us about things we were approached about twice before. "There's no greater thing than accepting Jesus in to your life." Agreed. We're ok so far. "Have you accepted Jesus in to your life, young man?" The male said to one of us. Out of respect not to insult these peoples beliefs my friend said "I'm agnostic." We're still going fine. They then asked us all one by one going around the group. I put my head down. I felt myself getting annoyed. Something was going to go wrong and I knew it was going to happen in the next few seconds. But what would it be? Finally, they asked my friend Emma. She said "Oh, I'm pagan." The couple laughed. BINGO! We have a winner! I went from 'fly in my face' annoyed to 'unforgiving loathing and burning hatred for the human race' annoyed in a split second. In my head I was screaming "What gives you the right?!" Fucking. Idiots.They make me sick. Those who laugh, LAUGH at other peoples beliefs. Because that's what Jesus did, right? These people seem to think so!

After years of not telling anyone I have openly admitted I believe in God and Christianity is the way for me. In my head, that took a big step. Some people laugh, I put them in their place with a quick rant about how I never press it on them and I accept them for who they are so they can accept me or, basically, fuck off. Some people insult, I laugh because I've heard it all before. And a few accept it right off the bat and think no different of me and respect my choice. These people are the jewels of my life. I am in no way a model Christian. By NO means. I battle every day with it. My mind fights my soul and heart. I swear, drink a little more than I should (I don't get drunk because I hate the feeling of it), I say things a shouldn't, I fight, I smoke weed from time to time for the point of getting out-of-my-skull stoned, I do all that stuff. The drink and weed is linked to depression but that is in no way an excuse.
Here is the point I want to make: I am not the best, but those who think they are, are the ones who I see laughing at people outside the bubble. That is not acceptable as a follower of Jesus. That is not related to his message. That is supported by Churches. Every day I see or hear of people who cling to the Old Testament. The message of love is out the damn window! (Ironic how I'm preaching love in a hateful letter) They expect little of me, but the world expects more from them.

Some people are amazed. When stuff like this happens they find it cool or strange that I can list off things about the Bible that contradict what some Christians do. When people go off disrespecting or giving out against Christianity or the idea of religion I go head-to-head with them and fight them with knowledge on why they should respect the idea if they believe it or not. When people ask about stories or fact about the Bible or about religion I can 99 times out of 100 tell them, to the best of my abilities, and the answer would satisfy them. Peter, a good friend of mine, said to me after his Religion Exam "Some of the stuff was really hard! They asked all crap about Bible characters and shit that I had no clue about. I wish I would have had you over my shoulder, Ronan, so you could have told me all the answers!" He told me some of the questions and I answered them. He told me some of his answers to others and said after "Don't go telling me your answers! I don't want to know if I got it wrong because you know too damn much about that stuff that I know I'll be wrong." We laughed through the whole thing. It seems sometimes that I understand more of the Bible and of its teachings than some older than me and more 'experienced' in the Faith. That is disappointing. These people go out and exclaim to the world! But what if what they are saying is wrong? That has a major rebound effect of other Christians. Yet these people are oblivious that they are spreading stereotype after stereotype. I do not force my beliefs on anyone. I try to do what Jesus did: try, to the best of limited abilities, to be a good person that loves people and share when asked about my beliefs or when the time feels right to. Defend my faith with knowledge not violence. Correct those Pharisees that spread false ideas and legalism about Christianity.

The whole thing just pisses me off and I am not afraid to hide it.

Day, the origin of belief. (What must I believe?)

If days to me are just the sun
And nights are just the dark
Then time perceived is all but false
Unbroken in one part.
There's no tomorrow,
There's no today.
Yesterday? The same.
It all is just a cycle
Unending, one may say.

But now, a question:

Unending?
For one not to have an end
A beginning must lore.
Surely there's an origin?
Say there must be more.

Creation is unfashionable
While evolution is unsure
If all the little pieces
Will fit to make the core
Belief of human ancestry
Pre dating all we know,
Denying souls to take their flight
With a weighty curse 'No More'.

Must I take comfort in the thought
That somehow I'll live on
In feeding worms and maggots
With my flesh when I am gone?

What then of my soul?
What then of my life?
What then can you tell
That will end my fearful strife?
That yes, I am but dust
And yes, I will soon die
Sooner to be forgotten
As legend becomes a lie.

My tomb will stink the stench of putrid death beneath the stone
Until the day when dust does settle. Those which were my bones.
And on the nights when moonlit rays beam down upon my tomb
Reminding all that we are cursed from birth and from the womb
Some will look and shiver as their fears are same to mine.
Those fears that we are only what those see we've left behind.

You say that I'm a fool,
That only fools believe in God.
Yet you believe in something
That needs faith. And faith's for fools?
Do I say that you are wrong?
Or do I mock at your beliefs,
Spit on the ground you walk on,
Call you ignorant, liars and thieves?

If, to live my life in peace, I choose
To cry for God
Then leave me to my prayers
Without a wink or word or nod.
I don't require judgement
From the tongue that does not know.
For I know more about these things
Than some who are in Rome.

With these laid out before me
With no origin in sight,
I wonder if I am wrong?
For none say I am right.
The sun will soon be rising
To bring another light.
Those who slept know not my thoughts,
They live happy as they lay.

But here I am always tortured.
Every night. Every day...

"I am heading for the mountain. There I will meet God."

This life is my journey. When I reach my destination and I have no where further to climb I know that is when I will die. And with hope and determination I will meet God when I reach the mountain peek and I pray he carries me to heaven to wait for the second Earth. I climb with no one at my side but I am not alone. I can still see the scree at the bottom and the clouds cover the summit so I know I have much to traverse and even more beasts to over come. Their corpses litter my path and their caves trapdoor the winding road. I am the first to climb this path yet there is trail to follow with many routes breaking off. I am left wondering who made these trails and if it is God helping me to find the summit not with greater ease but with a richer trek in store. I will reach this peek and I will roar and howl to the others "I am Wolfskin. I am Wolfskin."

I am Wolfskin.

Lonely Wolfskin, where are you going?

For the past 6 years I have, for the most part, been with some one or another. Whether it was a short fling, an emotion relationship or a full fledged over-a-year 'going out'. Now that I'm not with anyone I feel... alone. That's the best way to put it. With now being out of school and seeing my whole life ahead of me, not being with anyone and not being able to sleep too often I have to say I'm a tad scared... It's not haunting or paralyzing, but it is a fear. A fear of the unknown? Maybe. I suppose the added bonus of not being with anyone is that I have no female presence I respect enough to confide in. Some one who cares enough to listen. Not that I have no male friends to do so with but I have no female presence. The difference, I have found, is profound. I am 'a true romantic', as a friend once told me and having a girlfriend I can confide in is important to me both mentally and emotionally. I can honestly say I have been happiest when I was with someone. It validates me, in a way. It says to me that I am good enough to be, dare I say, cared for and even perhaps loved? I don't think I've felt 'love'. I mean by that the kind of love that two people truly feel for each other. I think that's best. Better not to know and find out that 'have loved and lost', eh? I know, of course, the unconditional love from my mother. My father? I'm not so sure. I don't doubt it's there, but have I felt it?... Anyway.
I find myself missed part flings and girlfriends. Not because I want them back like a desperate fool, but just because I was with someone. And even though we are broken up for a reason, we did have good times. Kinda with I had someone again. Oh, yeah. That Eileen thing (the girl I mentioned a few blogs back). We ended up going out, after a month of an unofficial relationship, for about 2-3 weeks but, as you can guess, we're no longer. No hard feelings or anything, which is good. Flat out honestly and the point of this blog? Right so. Open up the chest and show the heart of this lamb dressed in wolfskin: I just want someone to love and hope that they will love me too. Poke fun and call me whatever you want but you all want it too, I just have the balls to say it. I'll never give up on that. I know little but I see much and and something that I have seen and learned is that there is indeed someone for everyone. No matter who. Someone that will stay with you through thick and thin. I'm not thick. If you don't treat that person right you will lose them. If you yourself are too blind and selfish to see past your own shit and be a loving person you will lose them. I'm am well aware of that. I dunno. I just want to meet them. Would be nice. Or even a nice girl to share a bit of my life with as I have with a few. I don't see those relationships as worthless because that is insulting towards them and you. I chose to spend my life with people who are careful, but not too carefully, chosen. If your standards are too high you'll get no one. You're only wasting time and I'm done wasting time. Want to find someone. Soon, hopefully. But this is not the kind of thing to be impatient about. So I suppose I'll just search and wait.