For Them

A song dedicated to Peter and Suzi, Daragh and Edel.

Give me a minute
To catch my breath,
You took me off guard
In that beautiful dress.
Can we just take a second
Before we get in the car?
I want to remember you
Just as you are.

All shining and radiant.
Can't take my eyes off you.
But why would I want to?

As you lay your head
Upon my chest
I wish that the journey
Would last a bit longer.
I let out a gentle sigh,
"Love, we've arrived."
You plant a quick kiss
And my heart grows to life.

"Tell me just one more time."
She smiled, "I love you,
My shining knight."

Dance with me darling,
The night is young.
As we are too
But I know you're the one.
Now they're all watching
But I won't be drawn.
It was you I was meant to be with
All along.

I'd tell you I love you so
But that's not enough, no.
Now I must show
That nothing with break us apart.

Soon they'll be leaving
And we'll be alone.
I'll pick you up in my arms
And I'll carry you home.
I lay you down
In your bed for the night
But you grab on my hand
And say "Don't leave my side.

And tell me just one more time."
"I love you sweet baby,
I love you so." She said,
"Come here and let me know."

Moonlight shining down.
Moonlight shining down.
Tell me just one more time,
Say that we'll always be right.
Tell me you love me so,
Say that you'll never go.
Moonlight shining down.
Moonlight shining down.

Give me a second,
I lay my head on your breast.
You took me off guard
With that sensual arrest.

I told you I loved you so.

I told you I loved you so.

Now you know.

Vexé

In my silent shell I scream and curse so no one can hear me.
The walls echo empty with screams of their own.
My bones break slow from stress and from the aching.
And tears taste bitter after fury wilts and dies.

Shittin' a brick and calling it sugar

I was struck the other day by the memory of love. I felt for a brief moment what it felt like when I would lie down with the one I loved.
I was picking up a notepad I used to write notes to her in. When I picked it up my memory banks opened those doors and everything flooded in and then receded as quick as it came. It was strange. I had completely forgotten what that felt like. As soon as the feeling left I was instantly depressed.

Over the past 7 months I've been single. Others around me are in relationships, good relationships. This is a strange feeling to me. I am alone. In Limerick I am. Sitting alone in a bedsit listening to the radio while I slowly lose the will to live is depressing. I have no job there and that's unlikely to change. I walk around the town from 2 until 6 and I go back and make myself dinner. I play PSP, maybe, and sit in the silence thinking ugly thoughts that only lead to pain and destruction. But there is nothing to make it better. I am not happy. I laugh, I joke, I have fun, I try to make other people happy when they are sad, I show love. But I am hollow. I don't feel the warmth I did when I was younger than I am now. I feel like I have no purpose.

On my first week in Limerick I was very homesick. I cried the first night and the second. I do not see the point in my life at the moment. There is no one to make me feel better when I am sad and depressed. I am not happy. I feel no true joy. I feel cold and distant from the rest. My heart is broken in the generic kind of way. The world is breaking me. Fuck the world. I don't know how long I can hold out. Fuck.

New Plains

Quiet now, be still.
Be still to hear the howling.
The city lights can not blot out
The moon and wolves are prowling near.

Fear runs deep.
Runs deeper than the waters.
These wolves are different from you
And when you move they'll know you're here.

Lone black wolf.
Black allies will not hide you.
Moon rays won't disguise you.
You stick out like your pelt was crimson red and stank of rotting death.

Hide yourself. Be wary.
Roll in coal and soot.
When you walk look as one of them
To keep the lifeblood warm and then
When lakes are near wash off you sins
To remember where you came from.

The waters show your friends,
From the Zodiac they pend.
The Monkey and the Dog,
The Rabbit, Snake and Tiger,
But you are of a different trend.
You are Wolfskin to your end.

But stay not long by water,
The vicious pack draws near.
Steal away 'til tomorrow
Where perhaps you'll find a friend.

With time, so life moves forward.

Hello again and welcome to another addition of 'Soul Searching Loneliness'. But that is the way, is it not? It is in my life. Not in an 'out for attention' kind of way, it's just how shit has played out.

I leave in a week. To Limerick I will travel and I will stay there for a year learning to making instruments and living life working a job, playing guitar, and maybe I'll have a girlfriend? But let's not get too optimistic. I leave on my birthday, the 14th. I'll be living in a bedsit. Bed, table, three chairs, wardrobe, sink, fridge, hot plate, window. Anything else, I bring with me. I'm excited, to be honest. This is what I want to do. But who thought I would be the first in my group of close friends to leave Galway? This is now my life. I rarely considered being in school my life let alone living itself. Now I'm out and I'm going forth to a new day, as it were. I hope I get a job soon when I'm down there. It'll make things much easier and it will complete the life I want in Limerick. Out on my own, working, learning my trade, living. The girlfriend thing is just a bonus but not a must, just a hope, really.

I will be 19. A thought hit me the other day; when I'm 20 I will be able to say "I was born 20 years ago." Wow. That's messed up. 20 years. That's two decades. That's around a quarter of my life. That's messed up. And most of it, 14 years, has been under oppression. Most I can't remember or have blocked out because of pain. That's messed up. For what I can remember is time mostly in my own head. My past thoughts or theories. So now let me hope that the future will be remembered and loved.

God before me to lead me.
God beside me to tell me.
God behind me to protect me.
God inside me to love me.
Awake.