Testing... One, Two. Testing...

It's really hard to find someone like me. This sounds really wanky, but 'ogres are like onions' and in this instance, I'm an ogre.
(Essentially, I'm going to sound like a self praising emo sounding like he's so special and unique. What a fag, right?)

I have an incredible talent at reading people. I hardly ever tell people what I see and it sounds even wankier to say I know I'm usually right. I focus on it because I'm interested in people and how they interact and social bonds and the like. The facets of people. So I read a lot about psychology and personality types so naturally I've read a lot about my own type and done many tests and quizzes to pin point as accurately as I can what I am. I'm an INFJ, for those of you in the know. For those NOT in the know, that's a Myers-Briggs via Jung analyses. If you read up on it you'll find that INFJs are the rarest of all types. Yay! I'm special! BUT WAIT, let's rewind that party and go back to the 'rarest' bit of that and put a tab on it, we'll return in a second.
Hailed as being some of the deepest psychs around, INFJs are ALMOST paradoxical but it's more along the lines of 'two sides of the same coin'. But that coin is huge and almost impossible to read or figure out. In my mind it seems to be one of the natural rules in motion but in a psychological way. The natural rule I mean is 'the bigger the animal, the less there are of them'. Eg, billions of one insect species, let's say ant, only a few thousand of Sauroposeidon, the largest living land animal ever. INFJs are the latter. Which brings me to the 'rarest' bit I mentioned earlier.
Rare is good, right? Like gold or other RARE things, they're held in high esteem because there is only so much of it. Fine if you're an inanimate object, but as a person this sucks major ball cleavage. Not to mention I'm picky as hell. And I kinda hate myself. So if I happen to meet another of the less than 1% of humanity that is my personality type I could be drawn to killing them. Super.
But what I'm REALLY getting at (Taking ages to get to a point? That's not like you at all Ronan...) is that it's really hard to find someone who understands me. WANKY! I know. If I didn't say it, you would have. But I don't mean in the whiny teen way. "I'm SOOO misunderstood!" I'm rarely misunderstood. I can get my feelings and thoughts across well. Even emotions are communicated clearly. I'm saying that ONE person in the WHOLE WORLD that I've EVER MET. EVER. Understood me. Not even to a scary depth, I was really happy that they understood and could read me. That person is gone. And most of the time, because of how no one understands me, I feel really alone.
I often go to town and just walk around to watch people. But I'm not one of them. In school I wasn't one of them. At home I'm not one of them. Apart from my best bud, I don't feel like I'm one of anyone and even when I'm chillin with the brosive I still get giant pangs of heart crippling loneliness. I don't think of myself on a higher plane looking down on people, it's a feeling of separation not superiority.
People see what I want them to see. I know everyone can say that, but I really do attend to that all the time. And because of my ability to read people I can tell when something is off in a person, when they're lying or not telling the whole truth or faking a sentance or emotion. It's fairly easy. But I can, weirdly, tell they're life to them. Major accurances, people they've lost, etc. Intuition basically. A damn strong sense of intuition. Which is usually right. And I define intuition as 'knowing the answer without knowing the question or the workings (rough work)'. Thankfully I'm not one of those people who believe they're psychic. I can look back on my answer and figure out how I got here. and learn and blah blah blah.
Fuck, this sounds so wanky. It's sickening. When I think about it, who am I writing this for? Or to? Who reads this thing?! I THINK I get hits but from who? Is it people I know? If it IS no one EVER mentions it.

You know what? If I know you and you don't comment or talk to me about this stuff then I want you to fuck off and never read this stuff again. Because this is a one sided conversation, me blabing my thoughts and you're just listening and not even trying to respond or take part or open up a dialogue. You're an asshole and I honeslyt want you to fuck off reading this stuff. I'd rather have a page that only I read and I just write whatever the fuck I want so that someday maybe someone will read it and actually talk to me about it than have YOU musing over this stuff and noding or thinking whatever stupid asshole thoughts you think, because you're an asshole. And that goes as well for my poetry page.

Potential Lost

I have a thought, every now and then, of those I have known with potential and how I know it will never be fulfilled in the ways it would make them happy. It is disappointing and saddening. Esspecialy when I think of a young girl I once knew. The voice she had and the music she made would always make me smile and she never saw or heard her own potential. Things like that.

Oh, well. Eh?

Hey

I've found that the more time passes on something that didn't bother me the more it starts to bother me. What do I mean? A girl, I suppose you could say, broke up with me and it didn't bother me all that much. I understood but was still hurt. I found I've become more and more hurt by it as time has progressed. It's annoying. Like a festering wound. I don't want to become obsessed which is why I'm writing this, to get it out. I haven't told anyone in detail what went on and I'm not going to divulge much about it in this. It was private, personal and it was mine. No one elses. She was mine for that time and I was hers. Day or night, I was there. I would come if summoned, I would answer if called, I was always there for her. Whatever she said and did I tried to help her with and many times I was a help. I was understanding and loving. I was what I wanted to be and what she needed. But I was proven right, as I always am. It was what had gone before just in a different guise. 'Same shit, different day' would be the common phrase. I gave my all which is more than I had given before because I have learned and grown. I was vigilant and sturdy. But when I had helped with everything she asked me too, when she saw that all had settle in the immediate, she left. A sort of 'murder through suicide'. She did what I would consider betrayal so to give me no choice but to go. She left by her own will under the reason of keeping me to my code of conduct. She had betrayed me so she left as to side step me leaving her. But I wasn't going to. I have my own reasons why I wasn't going to. But there you have it.

Bye.

Return.

It was gone for a while, but it's back. The fear. I was lying in bed only a few moments ago and I suddenly felt totally empty and had a panic attack like no other. I curled up in a ball and with everything that had been pushed down for a short while released my mind rushed through my whole life and suddenly I was dead.
Why do I feel so alone again? Why does this happen? Why is it that night after night I lie in my bed, cold and alone when there is always a space left for some one to come and lie with me? Why can't I have some company one night? I just want her to come lie beside me, tell me it's ok so we can sleep together and I can sleep easy for once in a long while.

As I have tears in my eyes typing this, I think I'll try to go to sleep again.

I hate my life. I can't even tell you how much.

God Damn.

Tonight, the last night of this decade, was a complete waste of time. What an apt sum of these last ten years, this year and what a horrible omen for the next.

I attended a shit house party with a full lot of pathetic individuals getting drunk, all of which were younger. I then decided to park in town and wander about the usual haunts and see if I might know anyone. First, I went to Sally Longs to meet Shane, he was working. Unfortunately, he was busy talking to people I didn't know, not knowing anyone else there, so I left after a very brief minute or two. Then, I walked through town to The Roisin Dubh to see if I might find anyone there. I didn't. So, I took a different route back up the town, past a few bars, to see if I might bump in to anyone I may know. I didn't. Although, there were many people out celebrating the new year. Finally, I got in my car and drove home.

So here I am at home, alone, distressed, upset and, if I were to be honest, a little depressed. Why am I telling you, unknown reader all of this? The reason why anyone would, I am no different. By writing this I feel as though I am talking to someone and sharing my thoughts even though there is no one actually there. Not in the immediate, anyway.
So, thank you for reading this and sharing in my life even though no one did tonight.

Since it would feel wholly fake to say the traditional farewell I will say this:

I hope you survive this coming year.

Hello again, dear friend.

"We don't talk about the reasons I cry." I'm sorry I said that and blocked you out. I wanted to say but I was afraid. I don't want  to shut you out, I want to do the opposite.

I want to let you in.

.

I actually arrived home and cried.

It's been a while

So, things have changed. But, some things have stayed the same. The things that are the same first, yes?
I'm still playing guitar and writing and singing, still trying to get better, motivated by petty local competition with people who don't know I'm competing with them. Personally, I think it's better that way. I become better and they are none the wiser and can't be insulted or feel competitive themselves against me. I have named my solo 'project' Chorus because of my love of vocal harmonies and the chorus' of choirs. I'm still exercising but am giving it all a better go. Strained my left knee though so I'm laying off running for a little while. Need to get different shoes for it. Still have the old facial hair. Too much hassle to keep it all shaved and it keeps you warm for the winter coming. Still mostly negative, ha!
And now the change? I think so.
I'm in a new band with my friend and her friends who are nice. Hope it all goes well. I'm doing a Music Tech course in GTI. It's alright. It's a little below my level on the music side but I'm still learning new stuff so that's always good. I have, unfortunately, become more bitter. So much so that I have noticed myself and it has been mentioned to me by a few friends and yesterday by my own mother. I got one of the new xbox slims. It's class. I've been watching people more intently and trying to get better at reading people in body language, facial movements and speech. Made a new friend in collage, too. He's like me so it's fun to talk with him and take the piss. Bounce ideas off and such.
You know, I'm been thinking a lot again. I suppose, really, this all was just an excuse to talk about it. Over the past... 5 1/2 years let's call it, there have been a few things that have continuously crossed my mind. Many, if not all of them actually, involve "You know, Ronan. You're not good enough." This one, in particular, has been a beautiful reminder. It has driven me to new musical and poetic highs. Even now, on the physical with motivation to keep going. And just when I think "Yeah I can do it now!" I'm immediately struck by memories of when I've failed. And these, my friends, are no ordinary failures. Mainly, they involve making the wrong choices or the 'safe' -I'm using that word very loosely- options. The guaranteed option in the choice. Because I've been scared, terrified in some cases. "What if it fails?" I would be mortified and distraught.
There have been times when it has been out of sight and mind. But, recently all has been well on the subject but at a very simple level. I have not mentioned my thoughts for feelings, more developed as they are. And I have to ask myself, "Is it better this way?" Or, am I better now and am I ready to proclaim the truth to all and everyone? Or, are all the things I've been seeing just a false interpretation in my head because of my ultimate feelings? Is this the way it is with all that interact on the subject?
I have seen people who do better than me, or so it would seem. People who are closer and more intimate with the idea. Yet, from what I have seen it is mainly superficial. But, then again, this may just be the fact that I have not seen the private side that those people have had, therefore making me normal and not special in any way. But there have been, what I have interpreted as, signs to show me right. The fact itself that I think about it still. The fact that, from what I can see, it has become a closer idea to me. The slightly confusing thought that it is effected, on what can be seen on a clear level, by my own thoughts and words. This only being 'slightly confusing' because, from what I can deduce, no other of the aforementioned superficial effectors have really done this on such a level. But, again, I have not seen their private sides.
We do have a conundrum, however. You see, the longer the time goes by, the bigger a chance there is of opportunities arising that I would, again, fail in. But, if I, as said, proclaim my ideas and thoughts there is the chance that I will fail in the ultimate sense. And this could be due to the chance that I was simply not ready and I could succeed were I to just try harder for a little while longer and wait it out.
BUT! Under the note of things that have changed, I am not, as I was a few years ago, left with a feeling of sadness in what seems to be an unwinable 'battle'. I am happy that this golden and beautiful reminder is in my life. Which, in honesty, I think that I have come a ways closer to perhaps revealing my true and unmasked feelings.

To conclude and to repeat; I am happy that this golden and very beautiful reminder is in my life. Thank you.

Balk

A whisper from her makes my head hurt...

For Laura

What a smile she had. It said "I care for you."
She never spoke aloud but only murmured to me alone.
The whispers swam through me,
Flew in me and kissed my dreams
Under the quilts
Even though I never slept around her.
Why would I? It would only waste time,
Time we could be loving in.
Whether we kissed, spoke, or were intertwined,
It was all love to me.
There was romance with none.
No star gazing or dining by lakes,
Only cloudy days in dreary parks
And rides on the bus
To her house at the edge of town.
And the stairs to the top
Of a car park open to the air
And overlooking right to the city limits.
After school was a regular time.
The uniform was 'ugly' she said,
I never noticed until I saw it on the floor
But even then it didn't matter.
The blue matched her eyes
And the crest was an excuse to look.
It wasn't about sex and sleaze,
The sweat was not the point.
The form was enough
And the warmth was a bonus.
The act was an expression
And we waited until it was right.
Her arms would wrap around my neck
And mine would wrap around her waist
And we would stare and just
Share the moment.
When we watched films
She would lean her head on my shoulder
And then mine on hers.
When I was sick I would lay mine
On her lap and she would stroke my hair.
I would pretend to sleep
Because I could never bring myself to.
I don't know why.
She never wore lipstick
Unless we were going to a party.
Her lips were perfect without and soft to touch
So I would when she let me but only then.
When we lay on the couch she would on me
Belly to belly. She was shorter and fitted just right.
She always said I was warm.
I always said it was my love reaching her.
That would make her smile.
We slept at night in her single bed
In the softest rose patterned covers,
I have yet to feel softer
As we curled together.

I don't miss it, but I do appreciate it.

Sorry I lied.

I was walking down a steep hill towards the grimey sewers
To meet a friend who lives there to talk of mine and yours.
We spoke of lifes small troubles that in time won't mean a thing
But still effect the day to day. Do you know the things I mean?
I brought with me a mask so to seem so in control
So I could be the strong one who would listen to him more.
But after quite a long release of built up pulsing strife
He asked me "Are you still affected by your lonely life?"
The mask, before I knew it had responded with the words
"Of course! It's not a big part of me now, I've lived and learned!"
But sure enough a mask made of any thing or kind
Can only say those words and smile. But in truth? In truth it lied.

The Flame

Burned as it did last night
But now only embers replace.
As the last year and a half
Drew onward so it grew.
It climbed to smile at the rafters
And tickle smokelessly.
It warmed at the thought
As we huddled after love.
The smoke grew aswell
And soon began to choke.
The heat now making me
Sweat out the impurities of delusion.
The orange glow now white
showed all imperfection.
They were inhanced by the irritation
And discomfort of my salty skin.
I couldn't take it anymore
So I backed from the fire now dying.
She came closer but was burned
As the white flames were hot.
The fire died down when I left
But I don't remember that,
It's what she told me.

Follow the fire

The fear is gripping in rememberance
Of a smile when painted in hearts red
That with only one touch did cripple my own
But not with angst, with love.
Even a whisp of memory stills me still
As my third eye is cast back.
Such rapture...
Drempt reality becomes delusion
In quaking rooms where static shadows
Cry mumbled screams and clutch
Faceless portraits on thin paper strips
Scratched in to the cracked walls
And tattooed on their eyes,
The only part of them which was clear.
The only part which was real.
In the halls with melting walls
And fire ceiling tiles for miles
Where crows and ravens sat
Gouging out the intestines and the fat,
I ignored their caw and craws
And followed down for some time
Before a door before me covered
In strange symbols and rusted chains
Creeked open, open slowly
And red light bathed by soul.
Her lips drifted out in a squall
Of perfumed petals
And rose buds, if I recall,
With splintered metal dripping salt.
They met to be with mine
But time would seperate, dismember
But only if I would not do it to her
Before the steel would have met her.
So I myself brought my own knife
And wildly closed my eyes and sliced
To save her from them all that night.
I cried for none would understand the plight.
She may not breath the air I do
Or see the path I've led down to
But she's down deeper than that hole
Alive in me trapped in my soul.

Not you again...

You know, it's been a while since I said a word to you.
So here it goes.

You're a low life in a pool of scum
A filthy fucking bitch
Not a wicked witch
Because there's nothing supernatural
About giving it for free.
It's as easy as one, two
Oops! That's three little kiddies
In your tramp stamp belly.
You make me laugh,
Laugh at you
Laugh at them
Laugh and giggle
With an iggle
Like a tickle
In my brain
When you speak to me
In that itchy bitch voice.
Stop your damn calling
My battery is low
And patience running lower
Than even you would go.
So,
FUCK YOU!!!
Little piggy
Fuck you with a stick
On a red hot spit
As I spit on you
So you buuble and boil
And maybe even blow away.
God damn,
God damn your plans
And your lifes work drowns
In the scum
As a low life, rich in bitch
And high in free clit.

"Remember me in your blood"

I have lost her for good now,
Yet I feel no good in it.
There is no going to what was
When the light shone and covered us both
And winds flew around us
With angels wrapping their protection around us.
Cupids kept us together
But some angels die sooner than others.
I can still smell her
It is still fresh
And I well with love when I do
As I was struck the other day
By the feeling that has left me
As if to tease me
And to hurt me
But it was the will of my heart,
Of that I am sure,
To punish me.

Fureur du sort Malheureux

A shining star cometh
Leaving behind smoke
That suffocates not
In the vacuum of space.
It is a son of a Father God
Who has spite for me
As I have seen His face
And was not struck down.
"Fall my son, whose name is as mine,
And crush the fool so I may exhume him
So to scatter what I have left of him..."


A fist full of led smashed down as a holy bomb
Sent from our Lords right hand
Carved in the earth a name of Beelzebub
Scorching those who saw it fall.
He cursed me with a serpent tongue
So none would ever believe.
My brothers, the angels,
Chained me under the sea
Everything I had died away
And was crushed in their gnashing teeth.
So I opened the sky with my spite when released
And spat in the face of their Gold heathen God.

Ba'al Zebub!
Lord of the flies!
Eating my eyes!
Eating my eyes!

War will silence the God.

I rose up, unwilling to go down in a whisper
And took in a breath to release out the anger
But He whom devours the corpses of demons
Spat out acid on my tongue.
War has silenced the thoughts I did have
And replaced them with offspring, it's maggots.
They chew 'til they spew out my mouth and reprise
I vomit my sin but don't die.

He soon devours me slow!
Ba'al Zebub!

Spat on my tongue so I couldn't speak!
Eating my eyes! Eating my eyes!
We will soon die! Under His might!
Heathens had me crucified.

Invisible So Soon

She's at the end
Fading slow
So slow not to notice
Like to grow
But she shrinks
Until the day
You think you can see through
What she now is;
A leopard print deity.
A black ring to see
The world through
And a broken soul to be
That fills with addiction
To stop the blood
From it's deep flow and fiction
But not enough
To drown in her kicks,
To float down the Styx.
A million people caress
The airbrushed gold Goddess
And pray
To be the Holy next.
She's had enough
But they have not.
A straight line inhaled
To keep the days going
Away. Gone today.
A surgical knife
That detaches persona
To shed off the life
And the dead flesh aroma
"We've had not enough!"
They scream as pigs
To the slaughter
When she is in sight
They trample and fight
For a piece that tears away
And even for one that won't.
Sorrow, her signature style
To follow as she sets the trend
As Hades follows close behind
Everything that touched
Venom ends.
She's at the end.
She's at her end.
She's at their end.
She's looks to end.
She looks to fly
Off the tallest temple
And stretches her wings
To fall.

Impotant

We are weak in our current form. Prone to swinging emotions caught in upwinds and rockfalls. We feel great pain from small cuts and bruises. Words can crush us. Even at our peeks if we fall more than a few feet and we suffer greatly. Not enough water and food in a day and we get headaches. If we're too hot we can faint and die. Too much water and we drown. Our bones are fickle and our muscles offer little protection. We die with little effort done to us. We are weak. So where is the up with this down? Our intellect? That only shows how insane we are and how destructive we can truly be and how foolish we are inside. We never grow up because we rarely become wise. We don't learn. We are weak there, also.
So where is our strength? Physically? No. Mentally? No. Am I going to? Yes I am. Spiritually? No. What? But then where is our strength? We don't have any. We are weak from shell to core. Why do you think we are constantly trying to find some strength and power? In weapons, fighting styles, books, spells, chants, stars, planets, nature, machines, science, medicine, etc, etc, etc. But, have we found it? Maybe in one place.

Fickle viper

She calls me over with open eyes
Connected to mine.
Her back against a wall with hair let down
As I approach she lifts her frown
And drops her clothing to the ground.
Her seductive skin as silk and kin
To the velvet sheets we lay on.
She takes control and holds my arms
Like vipers holding prey and soon to strike
With venom teeth she bites.
As soon pulled back, my blood she laps
To feed her sick desire.
Snap the bones with steel caped teeth.
A wreath for me for I am left
In shallow lakes.

Red Burning Moon

In day we sleep for fear of night
For fear of fiendish spears of fright
For bloody predatory fights
For devils snarls and deads delight
In day we sleep so not to die
Picked off we were by things unseen
Our lands and seas that were serene
Deemed not to be by the God of Life
It who is the shining Light.
So those who came before us saw
It fit to burn in a dark caves maw
A fire to help reveal the claws
That hunted.
So they did and they were cursed
When Light came back and heard, it rushed
All where cursed from sacred tongue
And apart were cast so forever 'twould last.