That's me. And anyone who knows me knows it. The title is irrelevant, I just think it sounds cool.
I was thinking about the blog name 'Lamb in Wolfskin' and why I relate to it. I've never really put a lot of thought in to it until recently. I suppose it's just what I am. Contrary to popular belief I'm not a wolf roaming for chickens to effortlessly kill and prancing deer to hunt and destroy, I'm a lamb. I'm a happy, fun, emotional, soft lamb. But the hide I wear is just to keep me hidden. The wolfskin I wear makes me angry, rough, loud, violent, hateful, vicious and deadly. However, it has gotten to the stage were the lamb no longer comes out of the hide but speaks through the mouth of the wolf.
People don't get me and why should they? One moment I'm sarcastic and caustic the next I'm laughing and making jokes just trying to make the people around me laugh too. I am an unfortunate contradiction. Unlike the wolves dressed as lambs searching for unwitting prey, I am the lamb that just wanted to be left alone and the only way to prove to them why they should go away was to kill a wolf. One of my problems is not hiding away when attacked, my problem is fighting back and fighting hard. Harder than the other is willing to go. And I can just switch it on. Then after I've fought off the attack I can resume my jokes and laughter. It doesn't effect me, all this fighting. You don't like me? Fine. Fuck you and fuck off. That's just the way I am. But that's the problem. No one likes that. In school, no one fights me any more. Physically or intellectually. However, there have been a few cases where the fighting has effected me. It's not very often, but when it does it hurts. A lot more than I will ever admit. You see, there is no middle ground. It either doesn't bother me at all or it hurts immensely. I can shut everyone out easily and I can make it VERY convincing, but with some people those doors are hard to keep locked. With some people I have to stop myself from texting them too much or talking to them too much. With some people I can only close a door and never lock it. And with others it's as easy as breathing. I can do it in my sleep. As my personality dictates, I would rather have very few good friends than have millions of 'mates'. Schoolmates, classmates, town mates, workmates. With those people I want to be my good friends I can't lock those doors. Notice the "with those I want". Others I want to be good friends with and they don't. Why would they? I'm a walking contradiction and a snarling wolf, right? So it seems. If enough people say something, does that make it true? As a wolf I look up to the lion. King of his land and master of the domain. Cool headed protector and strongest of all. A team player and gilded with just enough pride to keep him at the top of the food chain without falling to his own ego. I am smarter than the bull who is simply blinded with rage and thick as two short planks. But I am more vicious than the leopard or jaguar. And I am not as relaxed as a bear. I am isolated in the snow and I thrive in the loneliness. But when those who come in to my land are not my usual prey I wonder are they friend or food? One way to find out.
I'm a good fighter and that's not a good thing. Many people aren't so I beat them and am called evil. Even the other predators that hunt for fun are bad fighters. They lack the passion that comes out of necessity. I've met other wolves and they're fun. We understand each other and that is when the lambs talk and bound together. I've met many creatures and have only been beaten by a few. I do socialise and do all that but my home is the loneliness that is not so lonely. The dark is comforting, not fearful. The silence is welcome, not loathed. The moon is my friend, not a rock. The night is warm, not cold. Here, I am at home.
With all this said, who will take note? Two people will read this so I will talk to you two directly.
Mark, you are my teacher and mentor and a wise man I look up to and love very much. All my feelings of inadequacy as a person go away when I talk to you. I miss you.
Jon, what else can I say to my best friend? You know me better than I know myself it seems on many occasions. My life would be much worse if I didn't have you. You know what I go through and you have good words to help me through it all. You're love for me leaves me wanting to be around you to pay you back for all the great times I have had with you and with any luck we will have many more together. I miss you.
Labels: Talk
