It's been a while
So, things have changed. But, some things have stayed the same. The things that are the same first, yes?
I'm still playing guitar and writing and singing, still trying to get better, motivated by petty local competition with people who don't know I'm competing with them. Personally, I think it's better that way. I become better and they are none the wiser and can't be insulted or feel competitive themselves against me. I have named my solo 'project' Chorus because of my love of vocal harmonies and the chorus' of choirs. I'm still exercising but am giving it all a better go. Strained my left knee though so I'm laying off running for a little while. Need to get different shoes for it. Still have the old facial hair. Too much hassle to keep it all shaved and it keeps you warm for the winter coming. Still mostly negative, ha!
And now the change? I think so.
I'm in a new band with my friend and her friends who are nice. Hope it all goes well. I'm doing a Music Tech course in GTI. It's alright. It's a little below my level on the music side but I'm still learning new stuff so that's always good. I have, unfortunately, become more bitter. So much so that I have noticed myself and it has been mentioned to me by a few friends and yesterday by my own mother. I got one of the new xbox slims. It's class. I've been watching people more intently and trying to get better at reading people in body language, facial movements and speech. Made a new friend in collage, too. He's like me so it's fun to talk with him and take the piss. Bounce ideas off and such.
You know, I'm been thinking a lot again. I suppose, really, this all was just an excuse to talk about it. Over the past... 5 1/2 years let's call it, there have been a few things that have continuously crossed my mind. Many, if not all of them actually, involve "You know, Ronan. You're not good enough." This one, in particular, has been a beautiful reminder. It has driven me to new musical and poetic highs. Even now, on the physical with motivation to keep going. And just when I think "Yeah I can do it now!" I'm immediately struck by memories of when I've failed. And these, my friends, are no ordinary failures. Mainly, they involve making the wrong choices or the 'safe' -I'm using that word very loosely- options. The guaranteed option in the choice. Because I've been scared, terrified in some cases. "What if it fails?" I would be mortified and distraught.
There have been times when it has been out of sight and mind. But, recently all has been well on the subject but at a very simple level. I have not mentioned my thoughts for feelings, more developed as they are. And I have to ask myself, "Is it better this way?" Or, am I better now and am I ready to proclaim the truth to all and everyone? Or, are all the things I've been seeing just a false interpretation in my head because of my ultimate feelings? Is this the way it is with all that interact on the subject?
I have seen people who do better than me, or so it would seem. People who are closer and more intimate with the idea. Yet, from what I have seen it is mainly superficial. But, then again, this may just be the fact that I have not seen the private side that those people have had, therefore making me normal and not special in any way. But there have been, what I have interpreted as, signs to show me right. The fact itself that I think about it still. The fact that, from what I can see, it has become a closer idea to me. The slightly confusing thought that it is effected, on what can be seen on a clear level, by my own thoughts and words. This only being 'slightly confusing' because, from what I can deduce, no other of the aforementioned superficial effectors have really done this on such a level. But, again, I have not seen their private sides.
We do have a conundrum, however. You see, the longer the time goes by, the bigger a chance there is of opportunities arising that I would, again, fail in. But, if I, as said, proclaim my ideas and thoughts there is the chance that I will fail in the ultimate sense. And this could be due to the chance that I was simply not ready and I could succeed were I to just try harder for a little while longer and wait it out.
BUT! Under the note of things that have changed, I am not, as I was a few years ago, left with a feeling of sadness in what seems to be an unwinable 'battle'. I am happy that this golden and beautiful reminder is in my life. Which, in honesty, I think that I have come a ways closer to perhaps revealing my true and unmasked feelings.
To conclude and to repeat; I am happy that this golden and very beautiful reminder is in my life. Thank you.
I'm still playing guitar and writing and singing, still trying to get better, motivated by petty local competition with people who don't know I'm competing with them. Personally, I think it's better that way. I become better and they are none the wiser and can't be insulted or feel competitive themselves against me. I have named my solo 'project' Chorus because of my love of vocal harmonies and the chorus' of choirs. I'm still exercising but am giving it all a better go. Strained my left knee though so I'm laying off running for a little while. Need to get different shoes for it. Still have the old facial hair. Too much hassle to keep it all shaved and it keeps you warm for the winter coming. Still mostly negative, ha!
And now the change? I think so.
I'm in a new band with my friend and her friends who are nice. Hope it all goes well. I'm doing a Music Tech course in GTI. It's alright. It's a little below my level on the music side but I'm still learning new stuff so that's always good. I have, unfortunately, become more bitter. So much so that I have noticed myself and it has been mentioned to me by a few friends and yesterday by my own mother. I got one of the new xbox slims. It's class. I've been watching people more intently and trying to get better at reading people in body language, facial movements and speech. Made a new friend in collage, too. He's like me so it's fun to talk with him and take the piss. Bounce ideas off and such.
You know, I'm been thinking a lot again. I suppose, really, this all was just an excuse to talk about it. Over the past... 5 1/2 years let's call it, there have been a few things that have continuously crossed my mind. Many, if not all of them actually, involve "You know, Ronan. You're not good enough." This one, in particular, has been a beautiful reminder. It has driven me to new musical and poetic highs. Even now, on the physical with motivation to keep going. And just when I think "Yeah I can do it now!" I'm immediately struck by memories of when I've failed. And these, my friends, are no ordinary failures. Mainly, they involve making the wrong choices or the 'safe' -I'm using that word very loosely- options. The guaranteed option in the choice. Because I've been scared, terrified in some cases. "What if it fails?" I would be mortified and distraught.
There have been times when it has been out of sight and mind. But, recently all has been well on the subject but at a very simple level. I have not mentioned my thoughts for feelings, more developed as they are. And I have to ask myself, "Is it better this way?" Or, am I better now and am I ready to proclaim the truth to all and everyone? Or, are all the things I've been seeing just a false interpretation in my head because of my ultimate feelings? Is this the way it is with all that interact on the subject?
I have seen people who do better than me, or so it would seem. People who are closer and more intimate with the idea. Yet, from what I have seen it is mainly superficial. But, then again, this may just be the fact that I have not seen the private side that those people have had, therefore making me normal and not special in any way. But there have been, what I have interpreted as, signs to show me right. The fact itself that I think about it still. The fact that, from what I can see, it has become a closer idea to me. The slightly confusing thought that it is effected, on what can be seen on a clear level, by my own thoughts and words. This only being 'slightly confusing' because, from what I can deduce, no other of the aforementioned superficial effectors have really done this on such a level. But, again, I have not seen their private sides.
We do have a conundrum, however. You see, the longer the time goes by, the bigger a chance there is of opportunities arising that I would, again, fail in. But, if I, as said, proclaim my ideas and thoughts there is the chance that I will fail in the ultimate sense. And this could be due to the chance that I was simply not ready and I could succeed were I to just try harder for a little while longer and wait it out.
BUT! Under the note of things that have changed, I am not, as I was a few years ago, left with a feeling of sadness in what seems to be an unwinable 'battle'. I am happy that this golden and beautiful reminder is in my life. Which, in honesty, I think that I have come a ways closer to perhaps revealing my true and unmasked feelings.
To conclude and to repeat; I am happy that this golden and very beautiful reminder is in my life. Thank you.
Labels: thoughts
posted by Lamb at
5:58 PM
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